Mother Crashes
by Vicky-toria
Summary: Updated, Chapter Twelve. It all began with that fateful night&everything changed for Susannah Simon. From new powers, to blank memories, things are a lot different. Read&Review.
1. Chapter 1

_This is a new story idea I've been toying with. I wrote this quite a while back, and I've been working on some of the other chapters. I'm hoping to write a long story, long compared to my others. I thought I might as well put this chapter up and see what happens._

_Disclaimer-I own nothing but the plot, for everything else, there's Meg Cabot._

_A/N-I will probably take forever to get the next chapter up but please review anyway!_

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The blinding lights. That's what I remember. I had left the store, my bags sitting on the back seat. Items that Andy had asked me to pick up. I didn't mind, I love his meals. I love him.

I was driving, slowing down to stop at the red octagon sign, with crisp white letter. I hadn't stopped yet, when he came.

Driving incredibly fast, he turned the corner. The screeching sound of his rubber tires sliding across the ground rang throughout the air.

He didn't even attempt to slow down. He just further pushed the gas pedal.

The car crashed face first into my own car. Crumpling like paper. I didn't know the damage, I didn't know anything. Everything went silent after the screech.

Time passed. I don't know how much, but enough. I woke up to pain searing throughout my body. I could hear screaming, shouting, sirens, cackling of fire.

I couldn't move. I tried, but my body refused. I stopped attempting and went limp against the steering wheel of the car.

My previous memories were slipping away, being replaced with the knowing feel of intense pain but that only numbed me.

I slipped into the darkness. Small sights disappearing from my vision. I saw fog, lots of it. It covered my feet, up to my thigh.

I shivered. It was cold here, wherever that was. I was in a hallway, with dark doors that disappeared into nothing. There were stars glistening above me. Like ones, I used to see with my grandfather in the country where he lived.

I looked at my hands. They were solid. They were there, just in a fading glow. I turned and saw the brightest light ever.

I covered my eyes. It was too bright. I felt something shift. And opening my eyes, I saw everything begin moving.

What was going on, I don't know. I knew that there was no pain, or fear. Just waiting…

…_was I dying?_

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"I just gotta go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"Do you want me to stop the movie and wait for you, Querida?"

"No, no. I've seen it before. Besides I won't be long."

I stood up from the pile of blankets, body limbs—Jesse's—and Chinese take-out boxes. We were on Jesse's couch watching a new release movie that we picked up from the store down the street.

I wasn't lying to Jesse; I had actually seen the movie before. I went to see it in theatres with CeeCee and Adam about a week before Jesse's resurrection. I don't even remember how they got me to see it, but I did. I made time in between helping a young boy and an old lady move on. Busy me!

Jesse and I had taken up residence on his couch, in front of his TV, in his living room of his very own apartment. First ever apartment, too, I think. It was a typical Saturday evening, I guess.

Sometimes we switch it up and are spontaneous. But a lot of the time, we're both tired—from school and work—at the end of the week. Curling up on the couch and watching a flick works for both of us.

Normally we don't actually have a meal. But I convinced Jesse that this week we both really need some Chinese to make it through the weekend. I like to think the melodramatic of the conversation made it funny.

Jesse has been living in the same apartment that Father D. found for him. We've been furnishing it for the last five or six months. New couches, beds, appliances; you know the little—and big—necessities.

I've also taking Jesse shopping. To get him caught up on the 21st century style. I definitely couldn't leave that one to Father D. to look after. I love him as a grandfather figure and all but no way could he do the shopping. Jesse would probably have come back with some crazy ridiculous looking outfit.

In the end though, Jesse looked really fabulous. So not the 1800's style, although I really miss the ab revealing shirt.

I returned from the bathroom, and crashed on the couch, snuggling my body up against Jesses. I couldn't help it, by body just perfectly melded with his.

It's like, everyone in the world are puzzle pieces. We date to see if our puzzle piece fit together. Sometimes they're really close, and other times they're way off. We search our whole life, looking for the perfect match of puzzle pieces. I found mine.

Jesse had his arm wrapped around my side, holding my hip; his index finger drawing funny shapes on my revealing skin. I burrowed my head a little deeper into Jesse chest, breathing in his beautiful scent. A cross between soap and his natural smell.

I placed my hand on the center of his chest and waited until I could clearly feel his heartbeat through my fingertips. This was something I enjoyed to do ever since he's been alive.

Things were so much more real since that bizarre incident, where Jesse came to life. The warmth Jesse gave off was more vivid and genuine; I could actually feel his heartbeat and the rising and falling of his chest as his breathed.

And I love more than anything to just curl up with him. It's a sanctuary for me to snuggle up with Jesse. I used to think my room was my sanctuary, but it hasn't been that since Jesse lived there.

Buzz…buzz…I felt a vibrating coming from the electrical device in my pocket. The electrical device being my cell phone. It was still on vibrate since class.

When I started going out with Jesse, Andy and my mom decided I should get a cell phone. They wanted to be able to reach me whenever and wherever.

And they couldn't before, since I was over at Jesse's, or out with Jesse, or sometimes with CeeCee and Adam…and Jesse.

This can be annoying when they call during a make-out session between me and Jesse, and Jesse realizes he is an 18th Century Gentleman—even against my protests—but it worth it when I can be anywhere and call anyone—if I have my bars and all.

The name on my cell read_ Private_. "Hello?" I said into the phone.

There wasn't a sound, but I knew someone was there. I could hear a very faint breathing. "Suze?" the voice finally asked. Just like the breathing the voice was faint and full of pain. My name came out like a silent whisper drifting on the wind.

"Yes," I said slowly. I had no idea who this person was. Jesse had stopped the movie when I sat up to answer my phone. He was staring at me quizzically, I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Oh Suze," the voice said, dragging my name out in grief. The voice was no longer a whisper; the voice had a unique tone. I recognized the tone right away. But I didn't understand why it sounded as if they were hurting or why the voice was filled with pain.

"Andy?" I asked. Jesse was still looking at me. But he remained silent. I dropped my gaze to the floor, peering at my curled toes against the carpet.

"Yes, Suze something happened. Your mom…" he trailed off and I heard a sharp gasp of distress.

"Andy! What happened? Is she okay? Where is she?" I asked. I couldn't stop myself. I had jolted up when he stated something happened and the mere mention of my mom's name in the sentence made my whole body shake.

Jesse reached out to me, but I took a step away. I didn't want to be touched. I was angry that the news not getting to me fast enough. The confusion and worry was taking over my whole body. I instinctively built a wall to hide my fear. What was that something that happened. Why was Andy taking so long to answer me?

"There was an accident; she's in the hospital, Suze. She won't wake up," he spoke slowly, and it killed me to hear. I winced at every word that he dropped. "She just won't wake up."

I sucked in a sharp breath. Dizziness was enveloping my entire body. My eyes felt itchy and I tried to blink my eyelids but they didn't want to open. My phone slipped out of my hand and dropped to the floor with a click.

I slowly turned and headed for the door on quickened feet. I couldn't say anything. I was just numb with the information.

My thoughts were wrapped around the fact that my mom could die tonight. And I can't remember the last thing I said to her.

She's the last one of my bio-parents. I would be completely alone if she left. Dad already moved on, and I'm delighted for him, really I am. But I'm not ready to lose mom. I wouldn't be delighted about that. Not one bit.

I felt my world crashing around me. My knees were shaking, my hands were unsteady, and my whole body was shuddering. I felt like crashing along with the rest of my world.

But I couldn't. I had to get to my mom. I don't know what I would do if I didn't do anything. I had to help. Anyway how, I just have to help.

Jesse followed me to the door. He was talking to me. But there was nothing I could say. I just attempted to put my shoes on. Grab my coat, and hassle my way out the door.

I had to get to Mom. Jesse's hand landed on my shoulder. I felt him gently turn me around. I opened my eyes to come face to face with his. His brown, sympathetic eyes, burrowing into my soul to find the answers I couldn't give him.

The answer that my mom, my giver of life, was dying. Was losing her life. Was dying alone, on some stupid, cold bed. Her fragile body, tattered and dying and I couldn't get my freaking shoes on.

I couldn't even get a single word out before I just burst into tears. I felt them welling in my eyes and before I knew it they were falling down my cheeks, blending with my already damped face.

I heaved a gasp and clenched my arms around Jesse shoulders. He held me up, because I could no longer support myself with the pain that weighed me down.

"Jesse," I shrieked in between my sobs. "My…mom…Jesse," I couldn't say anything else.

But Jesse pulled me closer. Trying his best to shelter me from the torture that my mom could die tonight and I wouldn't even get to say goodbye. I won't get to tell her I love her, or that I haven't been trying to punish her by being a delinquent. That she is an amazing mom.

But I wouldn't because right now my mom is dying, on top of a wretched hospital bed. And I won't be able to save her. I shrieked another sob, my whole body shaking. I cried into his shoulder, soaking his shirt with my face.

Sniffling sobs, I moaned in agony. It escaped my throat before I could stop it. Oh god, my mom. I couldn't loose her. She was too important to me. She was all I had left. I already lost my dad. I can't lose her. Please GOD, don't let her die. Don't take her away from me. Not yet, please not yet. She's too young to die. Hell, I'm too young to have her die. She's my mother and I can't lose her. My only lifeline left, I need her. Please, I beg of you don't take her from me.

Tears streaming down my face, and moans of agony still escaping from my throat, I pushed off of Jesse. "I have to go," I said, not even able to chance a glance at his face.

"_Querida_, you can't just go. Not like that," he said, meaning my dampened face, salty with tears.

"But…I…have to…go…to…the" I said but I couldn't stop crying. The tears just continued to plummet down my cheeks. I couldn't say anything more but, "Hospital." I couldn't move, I just wept over the potential loss of my mother.

My eyes had jammed themselves up again, unable to open. I felt strong hands pull me into a shelter, into my sanctuary. Stroking my cheeks, wiping my tears, fighting the pain. I slowed my tears and let them settle into a slow whimper, gaining control of my body.

And of the tears that wouldn't stop. "Come on," he whispered into my hair. Taking one hand he pulled me out the door. Outside, to his beat up car, he gently pushed me inside, buckling me.

I heard his keys jingle, but I hadn't been able to open my eyes. Not when I was afraid of the fear that lurked around every seeing corner. I felt the inertia as the car wound its way down the busy streets to the hospital.

I was shaking I could feel it, but I couldn't change it. Just like I couldn't change my mom's current state of health. The fear was overwhelming. I felt Jesse hand cover mine. His calloused thumb caressed the back of my hand. The soothing feel from this tiny touch was enough to allow me the courage to open my eyes.

I saw the night before us, the stars peaking through the clouds that had covered the sky since the day began. It was beautiful, it really was, but all it did was make me angry. And the anger built a wall, instinctively of course.

How can the sky be so full of beauty on such a tragic night? A night where my mom could die, and all the stupid stars in the sky could do was twinkle and smile down on us. Like they wanted her to die. Well, all I wanted was my mom. I wanted her to hug me, to love me, to just stay alive.

I started hyperventilating. I was panicked and afraid. "Shh, calm down, Querida," Jesse whispered through the silent car. He began speaking sweet, soft Spanish to me. Almost instantly I smoothed my breathing to even gasps for oxygen.

I shuddered when Jesse pulled into the hospital. But for the most part, I was the most collected since I first found out. Albeit, the tears still flowed constantly down my cheeks, my whole body was shaking and it took a lot of thought to keep my breathing steady. But it was the best that it was going to get.

Before Jesse had even stopped the car I unbuckled my seat and dashed for the front entrance. The lady at the lobby looked at me weird when I couldn't get the words out. All that came were silent sobs and some shaking.

Jesse came up behind me and put his hand on the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. He told the lady what I had not found words to say. "Oh, um…room 112. That way," she said flicking her hand in the direction of a long hallway.

This encouraged my anger. That's all she could say. 'Oh um that way. That way to your dying mom.' My anger built yet another wall. The walls were being thrown up faster than the tears were welling. This was supposed to be shelter. The walls were supposed to hide me, protect me. But god forbid, if someone put a window in, or kicked a wall down, they would all see a broken, shattered girl.

Crying, heaving, and whispering to herself. Mom, god, don't die. Don't leave me. I need you more than anything. Please mom!

A long white hallway, filled with uncomfortable plastic chairs, a few people, and a wheel chair. My vision of the hallway was distorted through my tears, but Jesse guided me down the hall, still with the hand on the small of my back.

I closed my eyes and tried to blink the tears away. Jesse stopped and instantly I felt someone pull me into a hug. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, squishing me like I was the closest thing left to my mom.

It was definitely Andy. His smell was a cross between some sort of Indian foods and saw-dust from his shirt. He was murmuring things about loving my mother to me, yeah Andy, I love her too. He let me go, and I felt my knees wobble; my legs were starting to give out.

Jesse caught me, once again, holding me at his side. He was whispering Spanish just to calm me. I blinked away some more tears and saw the Ackerman family sitting in those deadly uncomfortable chairs.

David's face was red and blotchy, Jake's face silently screamed worried, Brad looked uncomfortable and Andy. Oh Andy was a mess. His eyes glistened on the brim of tears, he looked shaken up and afraid.

Yet none of them knew my pain. The pain that really, tonight I could lose my mom. The only person—left alive—that I've known my whole life. My last parent. By god, this was so much worse than what happened with dad. The waiting with uncertainty was slowly killing me.

Eating my insides.

I finally found my first words since I dashed into the hospital. "What's…g-going on-n," I asked, scared of the news that lay in the brains of the people sitting before me.

Jesse made me sit. I wouldn't have if it weren't for the sympathy for him for having to hold me up. David erupted in more tears, and Jake just shook his head. "Drunk d-driver, h-hit her. She w-wasn't breathing-g on h-her o-own when they, they b-brought her in. Surgery right, right," Andy couldn't get his words out. He was so upset. What he said was slowly wrapping around my thoughts.

My anger flamed building another wall. Hiding more of my pain, and fear and blubbering mess over my dying mom.

How could someone so stupid drink and drive. Who would be that kind of an idiot to do that? What the hell were they thinking? Or were they even thinking. That one moment when they screwed up could take my mom from me and from everyone else.

But my thoughts of anger thinned. And raw ache was left. The raw knowledge that I would lose my mom tonight. She wasn't breathing when they brought her in. She was dying and there was nothing I could do about it.

I knew there was nothing I could do about it. The stupid plastic chairs knew it, the wheel chair knew it, the whole world knew it, and they all told me.

I wanted hope right now, more than anything. I just wanted to hope that my mom would be getting better. I wanted to realize that the fact that she was in surgery meant that there might be something worth salvaging, but I didn't.

I burrowed my head into Jesse's chest, heaving thick sobs that I tried my best to keep silent. I felt Jesse stroke his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp as he went. I lifted my gaze to his and saw pain and concern buried through his features.

He hated to see me cry. He told me once. When we had a fight, and I burst into tears. He told me that it hurt him more than death to see me cry. The fact that tears would pour out of my eyes and down my delicate cheeks tore him up inside.

I felt bad for making him feel bad, I just couldn't help it. He knew that though. He always knew. I guess, he was my hope in all of this. He was the only reason I have survived living in Carmel, the only reason that I made it to the hospital in one piece.

And right now, I just knew that he was going to be the only reason that I make it through all of this. Looking into his deep brown eyes, I saw the hidden intensity of his gaze. The pain twisting through every fibre of his being, and it was all out of love for me.

In those deep eyes I saw the hope I needed. The hope and the love, but it didn't change how I felt inside. "I'm scared Jesse," I whispered to him. My lips moving barely in the elegance of the hushed world around me, as the inaudible truth was spoken. "I'm afraid to be alone."

I meant it. Without my mom I would be alone. I would feel alone. And what if my mom did die tonight, or tomorrow, the fear that she would not come back scared me.

With dad I just knew. It could have been that I was a naïve little kid, but I just knew that he would be coming back. It was deep down in me that he would come back.

With mom, there was no deep down sensation that told me that mom would come back. I feared she wouldn't. I didn't want her to leave. Not yet, not ever. She needed to come back.

"You never will be, _Querida_. They will be here for you," Jesse answered as he once again began thumbing at my hair. He meant the Ackerman's. He meant that they would be here for me.

I guess they would. But, we would only be held together by my mom. The mom that died. The mom that all of us loved. Sorrow and grief would eventually tare us apart. And who would want a daughter that reminded them of what they lost.

I was never a great one. Daughter, I mean. I was always getting into trouble; maybe not as often as I was in New York, but still I had my fair bit of trouble and accidents. And I always argued with my step brothers. Dopey mostly…okay pretty much only. But no one loves imperfection.

It reminds them of how fucked up the world actually is.

What am I saying? Of course they'll love me. They have so far. They will continue. Even if mom's…last breath comes sooner than deserved. We will get through it together, they will love me. I hope. More than anything, oh god, I just hope.

"And I will _always_ be here for you, forever, _Querida._" I felt like crying again. I know Jesse loves me. He often tells me repeatedly. I guess the reassurance that he would never leave me lonely helped.

I must have been delusional, because of my absurd thoughts. But his truth and voice comforted me greatly. "Promise?" I asked like a foolish child.

"Promise."

I forced a weak smile, "I love you Jesse," I said placing my head down on his firm, secure chest.

His heart beating soothed me further. "I love you too, Querida," he whispered to me, and I felt his voice rumble through his body. The sound delving into my ear.

Maybe just maybe, she would be okay.

I hope.

Oh, god, more than anything I just…

…_hope_.

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_Clicky of the buttony! _


	2. Chapter 2

_Once again, sorry for the incredibly long wait. I prefer to update often but I've been cruel, I guess._

_So here is my second installment. Please Review, whether to hate it, love it, like it, loath it._

_A/N: The next chapter will probably be a while too. :P_

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Hours later; Countless mutterings and sobs later; Various soft Spanish words a blur. They finally let me see my mom. I had stopped crying. I was in hiding. Hiding behind the false walls my anger built instinctively.

Traitorous walls didn't stop the pain as it etched itself into my body, soul and mind.

I was finally lost, so when a small nurse brought us to her room, I said nothing. I don't think I could have said anything. What was there to say? I knew she was dying, and I knew I could do nothing but wait, and hope.

That did stop the pain though.

Andy ran in first. However, when I followed behind him, I couldn't step foot in the room.

I saw her from the doorway, but I made no movement to her. I just watched her. Her body was battered, and lay lifeless on the bed. Her face was covered in a scatter of bloody cuts and scrapes. A breathing mask had been strapped to her face. Clearly because she couldn't breathe on her own.

A white cloth bandage had been tightly wrapped around her head, where she had bashed it on the side window, and again on the steering wheel, as the report told us. Whether it was bullshit or not, I didn't know. Tubes had been inserted in her arms and hooked to bags of clear liquids. More cloth bandages covered her arms around the tubes.

She was wearing a pale blue paper dress, the same that all the other patients, I saw, were wearing. Although, those patients were alive and moving. Not lying on their death bed with pools of crusty dried blood underneath their eyes from where the nurse had missed.

She was pale, and frankly, white. There were red messes on areas of her body. Her hair frizzled out behind her head, cluttering the white pillow with a web-like mess.

Several machines, whirring in life, were connected to her un-life like body. All of them shouted _'dying'_ to me, all the way across the room. Yet no one else heard them, because in reality they were just machines. And machines can't talk, let alone shout, but I heard them.

Moving was not a possibility for me. I just stood there, starring at her, while Andy clutched her hand, for mercy. Her lifeless, still, hand. He was whispering to her. Probably pleas for her to wake up. No one could loose Mom.

Brad pushed me through the door. I landed on one of the walls and slowly slid down to the floor.

All the walls my anger had built for protection had just been ripped down. Snatched from my fragile, weak hands and all that was left was me, grasping for them to come back. I was defenseless. I was alone, and I was a blubbering mess.

In my own stupid mess; I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face beneath them. My hands snaked around my shins, as my hair covered me with its length. I wanted to hide, I wanted to disappear. I wanted the pain to be gone.

I pushed myself into the wall. Squishing myself with it so I could just hide. Like a camouflaging animal, I wanted to hide from my hunter. Even though I knew, I couldn't. I would always be hunted by the pain.

The tears fell, dripping from my cheeks; my face scrunched in agony, my nose ran with sniffles. I wanted to hide from the pain, hide from her deadness. I just wanted to be free. But I couldn't.

I knew I couldn't. I was stuck, she was stuck, the whole freaking world was stuck. And all I could do was cry. Which, by itself is bad enough, but with this mess, it was hell.

The devil had come to earth to smite me and all my unholy pain. Waggling his fingers in my face, laughing at each tear, slowly killing my mom right before my frightful child eyes. Dragging out the hurt, so for ages he could get his kicks.

This wasn't just a dream that I could scream and wake up from. This was real life. This was real pain. And this was real death that was slowly coming to the person I love so much, that lay before my slinking, huddled body.

My lungs were searching for more than sterile, death-like air, but that's all they found. My tears were searching for more than my pain-stained cheeks, but that's all they found. My throat was searching for more than moans of misery, but that's all they found.

And I, I was searching for more than a dying mom in a death-like hospital bed, but that's all I found.

That's all I found.

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For six whole days.

Mom didn't move, or speak. So neither did I.

Day in and day out I just sat there, starring at her. Memorizing every single one of her features, just in case, it was the last time I had the chance to see her.

Deeply I feared that.

I had been the only one that never left my mom's side. Andy had work and to look after the boys, the boys couldn't come here anymore—I don't know why, I guess they just don't like looking at Mom, sometimes they'll show up but rarely—and Jesse had work and school.

He wanted to stay with me, he even tried to miss his classes and get time off from work. But I wouldn't let him. Besides, school was important for him and he could be fired from work, even though ever since he started working there, business has been good, especially in the female variety.

I don't blame them. My family, I mean. They have commitments that they have to keep. They don't know Mom as well or as long as I do. I don't think anyone could drag me away from her. I was stuck by her side.

That's the way it always has been. Mom and me and whoever else we chose. I could have stayed with Grams in New York, but I couldn't leave Mom. I wouldn't.

It doesn't mean that they don't love her. I'm sure they really do. Just, there was a time when they didn't even know her. But for me, Mom was the only one I knew for forever.

Everyday, different nurses came in and checked tubes connected to my mom, read the charts, wrote secretive notes in funny symbols on printed pages. They even do the stupid clicking of their tongue for sympathy. I don't need it, nor do I want it.

Mom's condition has been the same though. Six whole days and the most we have is a faint pulse. Each day my faith wears a little more. Withering away, until one day, I know it will just be gone.

"Suze, you really should go home sometime," I lifted my head from the side of the bed. My face had been buried in the sheets beside my mom's hip. It was one of the more regular of the nurses, who took the time to learn my name.

I was just glad she didn't call me Susie.

I nodded, "I know," I said in a croaky voice. It didn't sound much like my own. It was harsh, unused, and unhappy. I smoothed the sheets down with the palm of my hand. Each stroke removing a wrinkle, in the sheet, that I'd left.

If only I could remove pain like that.

One smooth stroke after another. Fading the pain away, until life was perfect or even right again. Just smooth.

"Well, since you are here, there's a doctor that wants to speak to you," her voice was sincere but too chirpy for my liking. She lowered here voice, though, to the soft and gentle tone from before, "about your mom."

"Oh," I said slowly standing up. I pulled my lopsided hair down, and smoothed my clothes. "Okay," I said miserably.

"Okay then. He'll be in soon," briskly she left the room, pushing a cart ahead in front of her.

I waited, kind of just, starring at items around the room, until I focused on a beeping monitor. The green lines flashed by at a steady rate. Mom's heart was pumping at a steady rate, but was it ever slow.

It made me cringe to see the lines move that slow. The nurse said that she was fine today. So why did the doctor need to talk to me? Was it about Mom's slow but steady heart rate?

I want more than anything for him to burst through the door and snap his fingers making Mom wake up.

But this isn't hocus pocus, so that isn't going to happen. But it's great to think like that. At least, until logic comes around and kicks me one in the face.

I turned my attention to the figure in a white lab coat that had walked through the door. His face was elderly, much like his eyes. He was holding a black clip board at his side, and a small pair of bifocals sat on the end of his pink bulb-like nose.

"Um," he said looking down at his clipboard. "Ms. Ackerman, I presume," he said looking back at me. His eyes were huge through his lenses.

"Simon," I said looking back at my mom. Her body hadn't moved since the last time the nurse moved her. They said they had to keep moving her around so the blood circulated properly.

"Ahh, I see," he said from his clipboard, turning his face from confusion to a sad smile. "Well, I have some unfortunate news so I think you should sit down," he said shaking his head gently, in sympathy. I didn't want the sympathy, or the stupid plastic chair.

"I'm fine," I said quickly. He looked at me again, then his clipboard. If I sat down, I knew he would talk to me while standing. I didn't want him to tower me. I needed to stand. Stand and be ready to fight. Always ready to fight, fight against the unseeing. Not to me and a handful of others but to most. Although, this fight was different. I couldn't see the enemy, just its results, just its blows and bruises.

"Your mom is steady on life support. We can keep her there as long as you and your family want. But I am supposed to warn you that the longer she stays comatose and on life support the more chance she has of developing possible brain damage. Although, most cases the damage doesn't start until after the seventh day. That's why I'm warning you now." He looked up from his clip board.

I met his huge pupils, with my glistening tear filled ones. Mom was gonna get worse as time went on.

I guess I kind of knew that fact. But it's always harder when someone comes right out and says it. There is no chance that your mind is playing a trick on you. Making you think worse. Because someone just said, that terrible thing your thinking and feeling, is true.

Sometimes the unknown is better. _Sometimes_…

"I'm really sorry," he said. But he wasn't. I knew that. He doesn't know Mom, so how could he be sorry if she died. Or if I had to pull the plug on her life support. He was just a doctor that had to give a family fatal news.

That's what he was saying. I understood that. I have to choose in the next couple of days, kill my mom, or chance her waking up with brain damage.

And if I did decide to pull the plug, life would swirl down the drain. Into the vast septic, she would disappear.

Life as I know it just got that much worse. It wasn't that great to begin with, either.

I nodded to the doctor, so that he would leave. He understood and left. I sank down into the chair closest to my mom's bed. The chair that I had resided in for the past six days.

I reached for my mom's hand. It was warm as always, but limp, dying. I couldn't choose. No way could I.

I bowed my head, and let the tears well again. Cursing the driver that forced my mom on this bed of death.

The tears slid on their paths down my cheeks, and I did nothing to stop them. I let them fall like it was needed. Like that's all I had left, were my tears. And in some ways it was.

My whole face singed from the salty water, hissing at each stroke they took. My heart was being shattered, and my walls were being burned. They wouldn't be built again, not if they were just a pile of ashes.

I didn't want her to die. But I guess no one ever wants some one to die.

"Mom," I whispered. Holding my tears I forced my words out, "I need you to wake up. Please," I begged. My hands were squeezing her hand, holding onto whatever life they could find.

"I love you, Mom. More than anything, I do. So, don't you dare leave me. You promised you wouldn't, when we moved to California. You promised that you would stay with me, that we'd be a family. Don't break your promise, Mom. Don't you dare," I was pleading.

I sounded like a mess. I was a mess. And I didn't know if I could get out of it. So I just kept talking.

"If something happens…or doesn't, I want you to know that in every way you're beautiful. In everyway you're perfect. And you're the best mother that any child could ask for. I'm just so…happy that you're my mom. You're so giving with your love, we all know that. Andy, and Jake, and Brad, and David, we all know that. Your love is the easiest to except, but the hardest to live without," I love you mom. Oh god do I love you.

The tears were falling faster than I could stop them. And I didn't want to. The tears were the only thing that connected me to my mom. The last thing that I could hold on to of hers.

They say time heals everything, but time isn't healing this. Time is just going to make it worse. I can't do anything but cry. "All I can do is love you," I whispered, willing her to wake up. "And I do."

I felt a gentle rub on my upper back. Lifting my head from my hand I noticed that Andy and the boys were back. They were starring at me and the mess I was sprawled out over the edge of the bed.

They'd heard. I knew they had. I didn't know how much, but the guilt was so thick in their eyes. Blazing into me I felt like I was to close to the fire. The glow from it was to hot, and the looks were smoldering me.

I sucked back a sniffle and wiped the tears off my cheeks. "The doctor came," I whispered. I couldn't say anything louder.

I wanted to whisper, just in case, I didn't want the guy's in heaven to know that my mom was dying. I didn't want them to take her. And I didn't want to be alone.

"We have to choose, chance possibly brain damaged mom, or dead mom," I whispered. It was harsh but the truth.

I didn't want to hurt my mom, but I didn't want to lose her. Jake twisted his face in pain, and I realized that Brad and David had done the same. Except, David was in tears.

I felt more tears welling. I waited for them to spill. This time I didn't wipe them. I let them sit there. A reminder that my mom was there.

No one said anything. The room was silent, so I put my head back down on the bed, and sobbed.

I felt my body heave, and shudder. The tears spilled and I watched them fall to the white hospital floor. They made tiny little splashes, moving as slow as my mom's heart rate.

Andy placed his hand on my back again. "Don't take her away," I whispered. I begged. I knew I was begging. And it was all I had left. I shook my head vigorously.

"I won't." he whispered back. He promised me.

Promised.

I don't know how, but it was buried deep. Together we would just have to hang on to everything that was left.

_God, don't take her away from me._

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I was eating left-over curry rice. Andy made it for me. Wanted to make sure I was eating properly.

The food tasted like ash. Everything I ate did. Just like all the colors of the world had become a dull shade of blue-grey. Just like silk or cashmere didn't feel as soft.

Things just weren't vibrant.

Just, death-like almost.

Jake was in the room with me. He looked as miserable as I felt. No idea what I looked like. I didn't want to know either.

This kind of thing, was when the unknowing was good.

Whether my mom was going to wake up or not. That was bad. Very bad.

Sick like.

I put the container of rice and chicken down on the bed's table. The white plastic fork stuck out of the uneaten food.

Which was, like the whole thing.

I wasn't hungry. I couldn't eat. Nor could I swallow, sleep, clean-up, _live. _I could just cry, and hope. And I could only do that right beside my mom's bed.

"You have to eat, Suze," Jake said from across the room. He was leaning against the wall, pain smeared into his eyes. Though he wore a grimace look.

"No I don't," I said shortly, softly. Barely audible.

"Yes you do," he said. Not moving from the wall he narrowed his eyes at me and crossed his arms.

"Leave me alone. I don't need food, or you," I added the end slowly and softer.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked. I didn't know what he meant. I didn't want to think about it either.

"What are you talking about?" I asked slightly bitter. I was mixed. And constantly I was changing my moods.

Tears one moment to flying fists of anger. Bitter with the world…

"You're pushing everyone out. You haven't come home once, you're not eating, and not once have you let us in. You don't talk to us," he sounded a little angry. I didn't understand why, I don't see why he would care what I did or didn't do. He pushed off the wall and walked to the foot of Mom's bed.

It was all true I knew that. He knew that too I guess. Besides my pleas to them, I hadn't talked to them since Mom was admitted. I had eaten little. But I just wasn't hungry. And home hadn't been home since Jesse left, and it definitely wasn't without Mom.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked. I left my gaze on the floor though. "That I'm scared, that I can't lose her. That I'm pushing everyone away because I don't need them. I can stand on my own, I don't need you, Jake," I looked up at him and choked on my words. His hurt was deep. I felt like I had cracked his heart. I put my gaze back on the floor. "I don't want to eat, because food turns to ash in my mouth, I don't want to sleep because I'm afraid to miss a moment. And I most certainly do not want to talk about it because I know I need help. But I don't want it. I don't want to feel helpless. I don't want a clutch. I don't want sympathy. I don't want to admit the truth, because the truth is, I _am _scared."

I felt the tears again. I didn't want to. Not now, not in front of Jake.

"I know," he said in a whisper. I saw his foot land on the floor where I was looking, right in front of me.

"How do you know? You couldn't know this?" I said gesturing to the bed behind him. To my mother behind him.

I forced myself to look up at his towering body. His eyes were shadowed, but I saw the wetness. His face was slightly cringed. He glimmered with past memories and the pain they filled him with.

That's when I realized that he did know what I was going through. He had done it once before. I can't believe how stupid I was to forget that. I had helped her move on.

I had to tell David those things. I cried that day. I remember it so clearly. Tad Beaumont, the vampire, the fish smell, the old wedding photo, and Red. His bio-mom had cancer; she was on life support just like this.

I guess, I know now, why they didn't come as often. Jake would know better than any what I was going through.

"Oh, Jake, I'm sorry," I whispered up to his dark towering figure. He just stood there, slightly he shrugged his shoulders. "I just can't lose her," I said still whispering.

"I know," he said again.

I promptly did something I never thought I would ever do. I stood up and quickly threw my arms around his muscular neck.

Startled he took a step back, and then wrapped his arms around my back. Once again, for the billionth time in the past six days I cried.

I sobbed into his shoulder. They were sheepish tears that soaked into the neck of his shirt. But I held onto him for dear life.

I cried for about five minutes. Me clinging to Jake, crying as if I was, gave me the strange feeling of his protectiveness. It felt like his was trying to protect me from the pain.

I pulled away, "Sorry," I said violently wiping the tears away. I ended up smearing the wetness to my ears and down my neck some.

I didn't really know what I was apologizing for. Everything, really. For being so shut-down, cruel. For his loss, for him having to go through it again. For crying like a sniveling baby into his shoulder. For making him feel like a clutch.

"Me too," he whispered. He glanced back at my mom and when I looked at him then, I saw tears that had trailed down his face. "Me too," he whispered again.

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	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks to the great reviews, you guys are AWESOME, I get nervous so it's a great self esteem boost! My new rule, that I'm going to try incredibly hard to stick to, is to update every Thursday._

_This chapter is shorter, and I tried to lengthen it but I didn't want to drag on and bore the crap out of you so…it's the length it is._

_**R&R**_

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CeeCee and Adam came in today, again.

They'd been in a couple times in the past week. Trying to cheer me up, offer me support.

They tried but rarely worked. I hardly smiled when Adam cracked a stupid joke, or when CeeCee made a smart joke to counter Adam's stupid joke.

I didn't even laugh at his confusion.

I was still unfazed and numb.

It was nearing the end of visitor hours. Andy and the guys had finally left. Jake made me eat the food. It was as bitter and dry as I had expected, and it wasn't Andy's cooking. I only ate it for Jake. Though I'd _never_ tell him that.

I was once again sitting in the chair closest to my mother, right next to her bed. The lights in the room were dim, creating dusty shadows around the room.

If I strained my ears enough, I could hear the nurse on night duty typing busily away at her computer. Other than the noise from the keyboard and my mother's machine's almost silent beeping the hospital was fairly silent.

Not much happened in this quiet town. Besides my incidents I guess.

Is this what mom went through all those times I landed myself in her position. Which is watching an unconscious body. It'd happened more than once or twice.

It was almost a tradition, not one I liked. More like those ridiculous relative ones you hide behind the bushes to avoid.

But all those broken bones, and late nights of her worrying about me. I have no idea how she survived as my mother without breaking down and running to the mental house, let alone a therapist.

Wait, scratch the last part, Mom did have a therapist. Although I don't think she went running, rather pushed her on me, but whatever. Mother dropped the therapist when we moved out here for a 'clean start' which I guess did happen, with the occasional muddy hands, but sometimes you can't help getting your hands dirty in deep trouble.

I guess I kind of understand now.

I promised to myself that I would finally tell mother that I see ghosts. I can't keep it from her any more. It isn't fair nor right. I have to tell her. This incident was a real eye opener for me.

I would tell her…if she woke up.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped a soft blanket around me. I gripped it tightly as if it would make me unreachable, unbeatable, unbreakable. I liked being distanced.

At length, everything looks different. Looking in through the window, you see things in a bizarre manner and its oddly comforting. That's what its like now.

If I push myself as far away as I can, I'm just a bystander who has no emotion. I just watch as life and pain and perhaps death unfold right before my eyes.

The same eyes that were watching my dying mother.

They traveled up and down her delicate body, landing on the bumps in the sheets where her feet were. That's when I noticed the tall figure in the door way.

He stepped in, into the room, into the light, into the death. His hands were in his jean pockets; his face was low and groveling.

"Hi," he said shyly.

"Hi Paul," I whispered from my knees. My words muffled due to my knees smothering them.

"How are you doing?" he asked nervously. His voice wavered like he was afraid to ask the wrong thing and have me flip out. Don't blame him. I've done that a lot, especially to him.

Although tonight, I don't think I have the energy. I don't have the energy to do anything, except sit here and watch the world through a distant window.

It's been like that for awhile now. Sitting, breathing, watching. _Waiting_.

"Been better," I whispered again. "How'd you know?" I asked. I didn't bother clarifying that I wanted to know how he knew where I was, let alone why.

"CeeCee," he answered. He pulled a chair up beside me and sat down. I flinched as the chair's legs scraped against the ground. I felt his gaze on me, but I kept mine on my mom.

"Doesn't take her long does it?" I said with a slightly bitter laugh. I wasn't bitter or angry with CeeCee, just with everything else

The world even. It always wanted to screw me over.

"No, I guess not," he said quietly.

Silence fell upon us. But it was a comfortable one. Peaceful that someone could just sit there and not make me feel bad or uncomfortable.

Nothing had to be said, just his presence was nice.

He was just another bystander watching through the window with an unfazed expression.

Since Jesse came back Paul and I had become friends. Not necessarily as close as CeeCee or Adam—he hung around with really different people—but I could turn to him with questions or my problems and he'd often help.

We still have shifter lessons though. He insisted. At least he doesn't pounce on me or anything. And he's been talking to his grandfather—who amazingly hasn't kicked the bucket yet, but we know its coming—giving him more insight about shifting.

It's better this way. Paul and I being friends, I mean. I don't have to constantly worry about what crazy scheme he's made up. And its great being able to ask for help from someone else besides Father D.—who is way too forgiving and calm—and Jesse—who can be really overly protective.

Even though he's started helping ghosts move on instead of his previous method, I'm-gonna-make-a-slave-out-of-you-now-be-my-minion, he understands that sometimes, you just really need to kick some ghostly ass.

Not that I've seen him take a swing at one, probably thinks he'd break a nail.

I haven't mediated once since I've been in with mom though. Haven't even seen a ghost, not that I've wanted to, I'd probably just ignore them. Just a little odd, I guess, especially since I'm in a hospital.

Better that way, though. Ghosts not popping up, I mean. Sometimes I feel so overrun by them.

Like they want to control my life and steal whatever social life I try to create.

"Can I…fix it, like we did with Jesse?" I asked breaking through the thick silence.

Fixing this mess was all I wanted. It was something that had been on my mind for a while. What ways could I bring mom back? Is there even a possibility?

Could I pop back to the day where mom was in the accident and tell her not to go out. Stop her, slow her down. Steal her keys and hide them between the couch cushions and pretend I didn't know where they were. Better yet blame it not Dopey. Not let her go out…

At least not right then.

"No," he answered. "It's not a good thing to jump through time a lot. It can make things unstable, let alone the fact that it really kills you," he shrugged slightly. His stare still fixed on me.

"Don't I know it," I said sardonically. I waited a few moments, "Is there _anything_ I can do?" I asked.

I just wanted something.

Some piece of information that would restore the little hope that was being carved away. I wanted to save Mom.

Delicate fingers were searching for some little piece. I felt like screaming at Paul, yelling for him to give me that little piece to clutch to my heart.

"Hmm," he said, thoughtfully. "Have you checked Shadowland for her?" he asked.

"Uh, no," I mumbled slowly. I hadn't either. I didn't know if I could do that. I guess it makes sense that that would be where she was. In after-life's waiting room. Deciding where she would go. Whether it's on earth or else where. "Should I?" I asked, turning my head slightly to his gaze, as I predicted, transfixed on me. His glassy blues shined amidst the low lighting of this wretched room I'd taken refugee in. They were mesmerizing.

"It's a possibility," he said, once again shrugging his shoulders.

"I guess," I said. "Thanks."

"No problem," Paul stood up to leave. He stopped at the door, turning on his toe, "You okay, Simon?" he asked sincerely.

"Like I said before, been better," I said to the floor. "Night Paul."

"Night Simon," he said turning and leaving. I watched his confident figure stroll down the hall, disappearing around the corner.

What was it about Paul that he could never be hurt. That no matter how hard anyone can try to hurt him, break him, torture him, ruin him that he always stands up and looks at the world dominantly.

I wish I had that power.

The power to tell the world that I don't care.

But I can't, because I do care.

I waited until later that evening—a couple hours after Paul left—to do what I was planning.

Although I would look asleep I didn't really want a nurse to walk in and freak out when I didn't wake up. Its not like anyone could get into a deep sleep in these god damn uncomfortable chairs.

I placed myself on my regular chair so that I looked like I was sleeping. Pulling the blanket over me half hazard-like, I closed my eyes and pictured Shadowland.

The many doors, the long never ending hallways. The thick rolls of fog that covered the ground, and the black top with bright stars.

When I opened my eyes I was, as predictably, there. In the place that used to bring me nightmares.

It wasn't so bad now. Kind of comfortable. Comfortably silent, like the one with Paul. Except here I was alone. Alone with doors, fog and stars that were just a little too artificial. But all the same it was tranquil.

Quiet and peaceful. But, don't get me wrong, it was creepy as hell. Eerie, as always, but not all that bad.

"MOM!" I shouted into the quiet halls. The sounded echoed into the darkness. Rolling through the fog in a thunderous bellow.

I began walking, no where's in particular. Not into the light—I remember what the gladiator guy said—and I didn't touch the doors. I just wandered down the hall.

I didn't really know what I was doing. I never really do, I just jump and hope to fly, or at least land without breaking my neck.

I just wanted Mom.

My feet made slow shuffling movements beneath the hiding of the fog. I strolled down the hall, passing the identical doors, yet never getting anywhere.

I wasn't going anywhere, I was looking. And I only found the same things. Doors, fog, and stars. No ghost of my mother.

This was the first place I'd been in the past six—almost seven—days. And I wasn't really here, just my soul.

Time passed. Lots, I'm not really sure. I'm just guessing a lot due to how many doors I'd passed by. I was weary and tired. Whatever hope was left, was dying, fading into the fog.

Maybe I didn't take it with me; maybe it's still on earth, lying next to my mom's dying body. Hope and Helen dying together. Dying slowly, silently and surely.

Where was Mom? I mean, where was she really? Does she even know, does she feel pain, has she already moved on?

I don't think she's moved on. Otherwise her body would have died. Flat lined and finished.

Who knows?

I don't, that's for sure. These days I don't know anything.

I passed more doors and I was beginning to feel doubtful, that was until I heard the noise.

An insignificant word to anyone else, but me it meant the world. That one word slowly moving down the halls. Making its way through the fog, fighting all the way to my ears.

I heard it and all that hope I thought was dying was raised just that little bit more. Maybe, just maybe…

A tiny delicate tone drifting towards me on the fog…

"_Susie._"

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_Hum, I think that's the closest thing I have to a cliffy, so far._

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	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks a bunch for the most amazing reviews ever. You guys rock. I hope you love this chapter. It's a little more cheerful!_

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I turned abruptly when I heard the word travel down the foggy halls from a distance.

It wasn't just a word, at least not to me. This was a name, something special. The name that only _one_ would ever call me, and get away with it.

"Mom?" I asked my voice secretively screaming with desperation. I was squinting against the light.

I couldn't see anything; the bright luminosity was just too strong. I began to think that I'd just imagined the voice. That it was all out of hope and desperation. Maybe, Mom wasn't there.

"Mom, is that you?" I asked again. For a moment everything was still and silent, but gradually I heard faint breathing, soft, gentle footsteps and the words 'I love you Susie' drifting to me. The words swam around my head in a dizzying manner. I wanted to hold ever single one of the words and cradle them to my heart as if they are each special. All because they came from her.

A dark silhouette formed, the immense light shadowing the face of the figure, but I recognized her. I'd know that shape anywhere. The slender form of my mom was distinguishable and I knew, just knew that it was her.

She continued to move toward me. Soon, she was close enough that I saw her face. Her eyes bright, fearful looking down the hall at me. I ran towards her, as fast as my legs could carry.

I reached her and didn't slow. I threw my arms around her neck, "Mom," I cried into her shoulder, squeezing her. I was just so glad I could see her. So exultant that I'd found her.

"Susie, what's going on?" I heard my mom's gentle voice muffled against my body that I'd latched onto her. It was fearful of the answer, yet full of curiosity.

I pulled away with a gentle laugh playing at my lips. "Come on, Mom," I said as I extended my hand to her.

Against my body's pleas for me to burst into tears, I held myself together. Now was not the time to cry. Even if they were tears of joy, pain, fear or relief.

I had to get my mom to her body. I just had to make sure she was okay, and she would wake up. She slipped her hand into mine. It was as cold as a ghost's hand should be and it startled me, I hadn't thought of my mother as a ghost.

I did see the glow to her body as I neared her but the thought never really thickened in my mind. Not until I noticed the usual warmth of my mom's hand was gone, left only with cold. The coldness was sad, and empty. But I looked at my mom's soft face and her gentle smile and the sadness was gone, and the emptiness filled.

I closed my eyes and pictured the hospital room, where I lay unconscious, next to my mother. I remembered her silent figure, dying on the bed, the sterile death-like smell floating to my senses, and the coldness that seemed to envelope me every time I was in a hospital.

I heard a slight gasp and opened my eyes. I was back in my cuddled body, under the blankets. I shifted under the fabric and slid myself out of the chair. My mother's hand—the one that had been holding my hand—was covering her mouth. Surely, because she was shocked.

Her eyes were the size of dinner plates as she deeply gaped at her body. The bruises had turned yellow and purple and the cuts along her face were healing but still showed strong. In the past week they had dropped some tubes as she healed, the scarring left on her arms was visibly noticeable.

"It's gonna be okay, Mom," I said gently, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the shell of a body.

Her fingers made quick contact before she pulled them away in shock. One hand clutched the other and she had begun to shake. I reached for her hand again. Holding my grip on her tighter so she could on pull away, I forced her fingers on her own hand.

Just like that night with Jesse, my mom was sucked into her body. Her ghost form disappeared from my sight. My hands instantly wanted to grasp her. They wanted to cling to the air that she just was.

I was not as afraid—or heartbroken—as when it happened to Jesse, because I knew she would still come back. I just had to wait.

Don't get me wrong, I was still extremely afraid. I just had this really strong feeling she would be back. That she wasn't gone for good. That she would be okay, better than okay, great.

I could have been naive, but the burning hope inside me was enough.

That's all I've ever had. Hope, I mean. That's the only reason I've made it this long with my mom in this condition. I began to understand the fear that was in the hearts of everyone who loved me when I was in the same place my mom was. I understood that the only thing they had to hang on to was hope. Hope is all I need to be strong.

And although I had my doubts and thought that hope had left me, it hadn't. I just needed to look for it. Search inside myself, as well as the ones I need and love.

Without her there, I realized just how silent everything was. No nurses were bustling through the halls in search of patients or supplies. It was too late for that. I walked over to the door frame, and saw that no one was in the long hallway that ran down to another wing of the hospital.

I didn't see a nurse or doctor—or even a person—anywhere. The hospital was stark empty. I looked at the clock that hung on the wall in the room, and noticed that the time was 3:30.

No wonder why it was so tranquil. But the intense quietness of the room was so overwhelming that I had to sit down.

I shuffled over to the side of the bed. My mother's figure hadn't changed and I hoped she was alright. Plunking my butt in my chair, I rest my head on the palm of my hand to wait.

That's what I did. I just waited.

I sat like a bored teen in her least favourite class. Head slumped, body hunched, bored expression on my face.

Except I wasn't really bored. Just extremely nervous. Why wasn't she back yet? What was taking so long?

I began to grow severely anxious when an hour's time had passed and she still hadn't awoken, let alone, shifted, or moved.

I stood up and began pacing at the foot of the bed. Picking up an old, annoying habit, I set into chewing on my fingernails.

I continued to walk back in force in a delirious state, mulling over why she hadn't awoken yet. I think I began to mutter slightly, it was genuinely scary.

When I felt my knees buckle from the lack of sleep, and over dose of constant worry I had to grab the bed for support. Leaning on the wooden footboard, I tried to relax.

I had begun hyperventilating and despite my efforts my breaths hardly calmed. The silent hospital grew more and more silent beneath each sudden intake for the invisible air.

And then, cutting through the silent, like a butcher's knife, a machine began beeping.

My eyes—like a hawk's—snapped to the machine with a blinking light. The beeping was even, low, and steady. I didn't know what was happening.

But the silence was cut. And more sound arrived filling my ears. I heard a stir right before a nurse scuttled into the room.

She made no mention to me. Just went to work on my mother. Adjusting, moving, and changing.

I began to tremble at the unknown. My fingers becoming white from squeezing the footboard so relentlessly.

A white coat, walking on quick feet, followed in behind the nurse. A flurry of movement happened, my vision blurring in the moment.

The nurse grabbed my upper arm gently. I was in too much shock to pull it from her hand. She led me out of the room, "Just stay out here, please. I wouldn't want you to get in the way of the doctor," she mumbled to me.

I opened my mouth to acknowledge my comprehension, but the words were stuck, unable to roll off the tip of my tongue. I had nothing I could say. My mouth had become starch dry.

I settled for a nod. It was hesitant, but the nurse understood. She made movements back to my mom's room, looking over her shoulder at me quickly before continuing. Her white shoes landing in shuffles on the whitened hospital floor.

Everything was so white, I felt out of place in my jeans.

I watched as the nurse closed the door, to my mother's room, behind her. The last sight I saw through the cracks of the closing door was the doctor looking at her chart. He shook his head in an unbelievable expression.

My emotions were so confusing I could not comprehend them. I wasn't sad because I was too confused. I was too confused so I wasn't happy.

I didn't understand what all the beeping and hushed secrets meant. Why couldn't they just tell me what the hell was going on?

I reached into the pocket of my black Abercrombie sweater and found my cell phone. I began dialing home, but I screwed up on the fourth number.

My shake was growing worse from the confusion. I clicked for the menu and flicking through the names, and numbers of my contacts. I found home and pressed the green button.

I heard the dial tone, followed by the quick beeps of the numbers dialing. I pressed the ear piece to my lobe and waited.

It rang, once, twice and a third time.

Come on pick up. This is so important.

The phone clicked as someone on the other end picked up. I opened my dry mouth again but the words wouldn't roll. I closed my mouth as my tongue glued itself dry to the roof of my mouth.

"Hello," a groggy voice answered. I had woken them up. Of course I had it was like 4:30, 5:00 o'clock in the morning, on a Saturday.

They wouldn't normally wake up for another six hours, at least. Unless Brad or Jake were going surfing, but they hadn't in a long while.

Not since Mom…well…

"Hello?" the voice questioned again.

I coughed, I needed to speak. "It's Suze," I muttered scratchily. It was a dull pain that pulsed as I spoke. I had no idea why. I wasn't crying, I didn't hurt emotionally, nor physically. No one had hit me. Yet my throat throbbed.

"Suze, are you okay?" the voice questioned with concern. They had become more awake and personal than when they first answered.

"Jake," I said, muttering into the phone, "Something's going on. I don't know what, no one will tell me, but come down here…please?" I pleaded into the phone.

"Okay," he said, slowly, as if trying to comprehend the situation. I clicked the phone shut, not waiting for a goodbye.

I slumped against the wall, before flicking the phone open again. I found the name at the top of the list of callers, and once again I pressed the green button.

I waited two rings before someone answered. "Hello?" the voice said into the phone. Just like Jake's voice, it was groggy with sleep. Although, instantly this voice made me feel better.

Just a tad less nervous. "Jesse," I whispered into the phone. Unable for a volume of voice any louder.

"Susannah, is everything alright? Are you okay?" he questioned. Always wanting to make sure I was okay.

"Yes," I whispered again. "I just, can you come to the hos-ho-s-pi," I stumbled on the words. Thinking the word was easier than saying it. "Can you come see me," I whispered differently than I had been trying for.

"Of course, Querida. I'll be there in five," he said reassuringly. "I love you," he said.

"I love you, too, Jesse," I said before clicking the phone shut.

I slid into a plastic chair beside me, glaring at my mother's door. Willing them to come out. I wish I knew what was wrong. I seemed so full of questions. Yet the only one I wanted the answer to was will she live.

I couldn't ask the question because there was simply no one to ask. Just as I couldn't cry because I had no idea what I'd be crying for.

I thought she'd be awake by now. Talking to me, hugging me. Not dying!

The fact that she wasn't moving frightened me. I thought it would work.

Oh god, what if I made it worse? What if I just forced her soul to eternal damnation in a dying body?

Yeah, god Suze. Way to make sense there! I felt a hand land on my shoulder. Tearing my glare from the door, I looked up to the figure staring over me.

Jesse's face loomed above mine. Without hesitation, I stood up, and threw my arms around his neck. Clutching him to myself, I muttered to his shoulder, "What have I done, Jesse? I think I did something bad. Or stupid. Oh god, you were right. You knew I'd do something stupid, and you were right, you're always right."

"Shh, Querida," Jesse said smoothing a hand over my hair and shoulder blades, while his other hand rested on the small of my back pulling me into him. "It's going to be okay. Everything will be just fine," he whispered to me.

I pushed myself further into his structure. The safeness I needed forming the further I tried to burrow. "How do you know, Jesse?" I muttered, pleadingly. I was pleading, begging that he was right.

"Trust me," he whispered back. He was always right, and I did trust him. I trusted him with everything. Everything.

I nodded, harshly, into his shoulder. My arms snaked under his arm in a tangled mess of limbs. I squeeze his back muscles deeply, clutching them. I felt his tense body huddle around me, cradling me. It felt like heaven to be in such a tight embrace.

Jesse just held me. He did until Jake, and the others showed up. I turned in Jesse's arms to see them coming down the hallway. Jesse made to remove his hands from around my sides, but my hands shot to his. Gripping them firmly I pulled the back to their places and he complied, holding me again.

I leaned my head against his chest, relaxing back into his form. I shut my eyes, pinching them closed, bracing myself for the coming events.

I opened them and saw the Ackerman clan in front of me. I let go of Jesse's hands and he let go of me. I stepped forward and just shook my head. "I don't know," I said, answering all of there unspoken questions.

I heard the faint click of a door opening and my glare shot back to my mother's room door. The doctor stepped out towards us. Followed by the nurse.

"You can see her now," he said. He made for more words but I darted past him and into my mother's room.

Her body was the same still shape as before. I ran to her side and threw my arms around her. Trying my hardest to hug her against the bed.

I pulled away and watched as her eyes fluttered open. "Susie," she whispered to me. The same word that had caused me to find her. I glanced at the door and saw Jesse and the bunch of them standing there, staring wide eyed at me and my mom. "I love you," she finished.

I threw my arms back around her neck. "I love you, too, Mom."

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_Yay!! Claps! Her mom's awake! I didn't want to make it anymore depressing than it already is. Besides its gonna get a whole lot worse later on. _

_Ha-ha, foreshadowing, as my English teacher calls it._

_This is only the beginning. So Review, please!_

_Vicky-toria_


	5. Chapter 5

_This is like double my other chapters, but if I didn't put it all in one I would really have stopped at an appropriate place. Right? Okay then. This is a happier chapter as well. I don't think I make anyone cry here. Claps! And because I'm updating sooner than Thursday, I might not have a Thursday update ready._

_Thanks for the great reviews, keep them up and I'll just have to keep writing. Now, what are you still doing reading this boring thing. Get on with the chapter._

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Jesse was, once again right.

He was always right. I don't think I can think of a time when Jesse wasn't right. I mean, maybe he was wrong on something simple, but something as big as what happened. No way, he was always right. I'm talking about how he said everything would be fine, this morning in the hospital.

I guess he's just naturally smart, or something. Like a woman's intuition, except a Jesse intuition. Sorry, babbling, rewind…

I finally went home. The morning my mom woke up, I talked to her as long as they would let me. Told her everything that she missed, and things she didn't. I told her repeatedly that I love her. And whether or not this is fortunate, the conversation about Shadowland never came up.

I think she thought she dreamed up the entire thing.

When the nurse told me it was time for her to rest—which I thought was really weird, I mean she's been resting for the past week or so, how much more sleep does she need—Mom insisted that I go home.

So I did. I ran past the mirrors in the house, not glancing once. For the fear of…well, the obvious; me flipping out because I look disgusting.

I mean, I could look okay, but I didn't want to chance my panic attack. After having a long shower, drying and straightening my hair, applying some make-up and changing into some normal clothes—low rise jeans, and a long sleeve tee—I had linner or dunch with David and Andy. Linner, Dunch…cross between Lunch and Dinner. Ha-ha! I know!

And yet my English teacher in New York seemed so insistent upon failing me. Can't seem to remember why…

Its life's mystery, today, where Jake and Brad disappeared to…NOT!

We were eating some fancy sandwich that Andy had made. Let me tell you that after you've been eating hospital food, or no food at all for the past week, having any of Andy's fresh cooking is like winning the lottery.

Maybe that wasn't the best term, since I haven't won the lottery…ever. But it was definitely spectacular. I don't think I've ever eaten so fast, and they were just sandwiches.

I had just taken the last my bite when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Glancing at the caller ID I saw that it was CeeCee calling me.

I said a quick thanks to Andy, before exiting the room. "Hey Cee," I said brightly into the phone. It's the happiest that I've been in the past week.

For obvious reasons.

"OMG, Suze!" CeeCee squealed into the phone. I had to pull it away for a brief second, you know, so I wouldn't go deaf or have my ears fall off. "You're happy; your mom's awake?"

"Yeah, this morning," I said. I was pacing slowly around the living room. Touching random objects as I went, laughing slightly at Cee's hilarity.

"Adam, Suze's mom woke up this morning," I heard CeeCee's muffled shout through the phone and it made me laugh again. Figures, Cee and Adam are always together.

"Yeah, my Mom's awake, Cee. So are you gonna tell me the gossip I missed at school or am I gonna have to call my other best friend, Kelly," I said sarcastically into the phone.

I heard CeeCee snort, "Yeah right, like she could get better gossip than me…Now where do I begin," CeeCee mumbled into the phone.

Always count on Cee for the good stuff.

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_2 Weeks Later;_

Mom came home from the hospital about a week after the Saturday she woke up. By the next Monday morning, I was in the Rambler, listening to Brad's crappy singing to his annoying hip-hop songs, on my way to the Mission.

For school, of course.

I didn't miss homework. CeeCee and Adam were frequently dropping by to see me and my mother and how we were doing. And when they came, they always had another pile of homework for me.

This I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not.

I was in our rows, on time, for the morning announcements. When as dreadful as it always comes to me, they called my name to go to the principal's office.

I waited until they finished before making my way to see Father Dominic. I came to his big wooden door, shut by the way, and knocked gently.

Didn't want to give the old guy a heart attack, you know, if I startled him, by bursting in.

"Come in," he said without hesitation.

I opened the door, sticking my head in first, before opening the it wider and walking in. "Hey Father D," I said casually.

I walked over to his desk and dug out one of his many confiscated toys. Today I grabbed a slinky. It was that or some silly putty, which makes your fingers smell. Who knows where the game boy went.

Maybe Father D.…nah!

I sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk, "So, what did you want to see me about?" I asked tossing the slinky back and forth from hand to hand.

"How's your mother doing?" he asked, folding his hands and leaning forward slightly. I think he wanted to show me that he was concerned or listening. Compared to when he fumbles with papers around his desk in a klutz-like manner.

"Really good," I said cheerfully. "She's been in for a bunch of tests but they just want to make sure she doesn't relapse and that she's healing okay, but she's home and feeling a lot better."

"I see, that's good," he said, nodding slightly. Then, as per usual, he unfolded his hands and began fumbling with papers. "How's your spiritual activity?" he asked softly.

It made me want to laugh. Extremely hard.

I'm mean, I know, I've been told plenty. Laughing at a priest should make me burn in hell, but I'm doing God's work with these ghosts, right?

I should be able to get some free 'Get out of Jail Free' or even 'Get out of Potential Burning in Hell' cards.

But just the way Father Dominic asked me about my _'spiritual activity'_ made me want to laugh. "Good," I said trying to suppress my giggles.

"Just good," he said pausing from his shuffling for a minute to give me a stern look.

"Yeah, well, I haven't seen a ghost since…Saturday, the day my mom woke up. But that was just her. See Paul said that my mom might be in Shadowland. Lost from her body, kind of thing, so I went up there looking for her. I found her and pushed her in her body, not literally, you know. But like Jesse. I haven't seen one since then. Which is a little weird considering I was in a hospital, but whatever. Maybe no one has died recently," I realized from the look on Father Dominic's face that I had been talking extremely fast for him.

"Uh huh," he said nodding slowly. "So not since Saturday?" he asked.

I'm assuming he was checking to make sure I wasn't hatching rash plans of ghost-ass kicking or exorcism.

And I was just about to confirm his sentence when out of the blue a ghost materialized behind Father D. "Scratch that," I said pointing to said ghost.

I watched as the father turned his swivel chair to face the ghost, whose eyes had bugged out of his head at the mention of him. But, that wasn't what was bothering me. What was bothering me was the fear that was covering his face.

"How can I help you, Sir," Father D. said calmly and politely. The guy, who Father D. was referring to, looked to be in his early twenties. He kinda looked the same age as Jesse, except not nearly as hot.

The guy was dressed in dark jeans and a black zipper sweater. He had thick black hair in a long front comb-over, with a streak of blue running through it. Right now his eyes were bugged out, which isn't all that attractive—at least not on him—and his nose, that was kind of shaped bumpy or beak-like, was bright red.

Don't know why, but it was.

The fear that was spread across his face was clearly evident in his voice. Did Father Dominic notice this, or was it just me? "Uh, Tom," he said hesitantly. "You…can see…me?" he asked looking between Father Dominic and me.

"Yeah, we can see you, Tom," I said without a care. That line gets old real fast. So does me saying that that previous line gets old. Yeah, uh-huh. It makes me itch when I hear it asked. Really, if someone can talk to you, obviously they can see you, DUH!

I know that death can be hard and all but who said anything about becoming more stupid when you die. Or were people in life already that stupid. If so then in the next decade we will either be overrun with incredibly stupid people or just all die due to them.

Did that last paragraph make me a hypocrite. I mean I know my grades aren't great but I'm not that dumb. Now where was I?

I have been improving on my mediating skills—not that I thought my method wasn't working, OH NO! It was all Jesse and Father D. they apparently didn't like it, pfft!—but I still couldn't be all that compassionate to a ghost asking such a stupid question.

Father D. didn't like my less than sympathetic response. I knew this since after I muttered the words the father's head whipped around to give me a glare. Not a horrid one that Kelly might give me if she thought I had ruined her day or something, just one stating be-nice-Susannah-he-is-after-all-dead-and-no-one-needs-your-stupid-comments. Of course, Father Dominic would never actually SAY it, let alone like that. I knew what he meant.

I sighed, "How can we help you, Tom?" I smirked at Father D. as if to say, happy? Father Dominic just ignored my smirk and turned his attention back to the ghost named Tom.

"You can't," he said shortly.

God! What is with these stupid ghosts? They really tick me off. I will admit that occasionally I will get a good ghost that will just tell me something easy and disappear, but the angry and stupid cryptic ones. GRR!!

"Fine then," I stood up from the chair, looking at Father Dominic. "We done, Father D.?" I asked and without waiting for a reply, "Good then." I turned and headed towards the door.

Hand on the door knob and everything, "Sit down, Susannah," I heard the father's voice.

I obeyed, don't know why, but I did, and sank down into the chair I had been occupying before.

"What do you want then?" I asked, ignoring Father D. and whatever looks or pained expressions he was making at my blunt rudeness.

"Well nothing really," he paused and I could feel myself fuming. Breathe, count to ten and back Suze. "But you can't help me, I guess…" he continued, "I guess I have to help you."

"Huh?" was my witty remark. Yeah, yeah, I know. But honestly that's all that was going through my mind.

"I can't say much," he said taking a step forward and lowering his voice a bit, "because I don't know much, but…" he paused again, looking around the room as if someone might me hiding. "Bad things, huge, powerful things are going to happen, and you," he murmured looking at me, "have to stop it," he stepped back and regained his less than a murmur voice. "You won't be able to, though, not by yourself, anyway."

And with a wink—yes, he winked—he dematerialized.

Without thinking, I shouted, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING NOT LEAVING STUPID CRYPTIC MESSAGES!"

"Shh, Susannah, someone will hear you?" Father D. muttered to me.

"Sorry," I muttered back. "I gotta get to class, can we finish this some other time?" I asked.

"I suppose so," Father Dominic said turning back to shuffling his papers.

It didn't take much to get me out of his office. I don't think I've wanted to leave there more…well maybe that other time…never mind.

You'd think the ghost, Tom, would provoke more thought than, well nothing, but he didn't. Not really. I just passed it off. It kind of just felt like some stupid prank or other.

Not something completely real.

So I think the most I got out of it was how crappy it was to be me, a mediator of which I didn't ask to be, with all this 'Extra Work'.

"I have to stop it, but I won't be able to."

Uh huh!

And I'm the president of Bulgaria.

…NOT!

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I heard faint voices coming from my mother's room as I tiptoed to the kitchen for a diet coke. I didn't want her to know that I had been out past curfew. I wasn't doing anything bad. I just needed to clear my head. Its been stressful lately. And tonight wasn't turning out so good.

So I climbed out my window and wandered down to the beach. I listened to the waves and let the wind wash over my sand-covered body. And I was just returning now, only to catch my mother talking to someone in her room as I headed towards the kitchen for a diet coke.

It's not like its that unusual for my mother to be talking to someone in her room. Its just that Andy is out with the boys for Dopey's wrestling competition. They aren't supposed to be home for two days—hence why we will be living on leftovers for that time being.

So, she is alone in her room talking. So what, right? She has a phone in there. But the reason I stopped dead in the hall was because I could hear the second voice. This definitely wasn't a phone conversation.

One of the voices, I distinctly heard as my mothers, yet the other was unfamiliar, to say the least.

As quietly as I could, I crept towards her doorway. The conversation clearing and coming into focus, as I did so. My mom's voice was full of shock and puzzlement, "So you're telling me that you're a GHOST?"

Yup, that would definitely be shock and puzzlement. Her tone of voice and stubbornness to realize that yes it must be a ghost was highly amusing to me as I stood on the balls of my feet.

But I guess it wasn't her tone that flabbergasted me but that fact that she was indeed asking if she could see a ghost.

You see, I've wanted to tell my mother all my life that the reason why I am—or at least was, until improvement to my lying, and acting skills earned me some normality in my life at No Cal—was not because I was a delinquent or because I was part of a gang but rather because I had a really weird gift.

One that at any time, before California, I would have definitely called a curse. That was until my _so-called_ curse brought me Jesse. But that is a different matter. The thing is, is that my mother is an amazing mother. I love her to pieces, and for everything that she has ever done for me, I'm grateful for. God forbid, she ended up with me as her daughter. Which, honestly isn't fair at all.

But the longing to tell my mother that the reason I have broken 'n' entered, snuck out of the house, or been brought home by the big guys in uniforms was not because she was a bad mother who didn't raise me well, but because I was doing it to assist a ghost into their after life.

But nonetheless the longing has never left, and never will until the day I utter the words, 'I see ghosts, mom. Do you still love me?' Hoping all the same that she does not lock me up on the ninth floor in Bellevue—the place for the crazies in New York—in one of those rooms with the white padded walls where all the attendants wear those unflattering white straightjackets. The longing still sits on my shoulders, forever—or so I thought.

And I know I made the promise to tell my mother about my gift that night in the hospital. But when the conversation about Shadowland never came up—I think she passed it off as a dream or something—I kind of let it slide away unsaid.

Every time I come close to telling her something happens. Whether someone else walks in, the phone rings, she gets preoccupied, or she just looks at me with those motherly worn eyes and I can't do it. I can't tell her that I see them. I'm terribly afraid that she'll think I'm crazy.

Its sad that I can't tell her. She's my mother I should know that she will still love me. But the thought of her not trusting me or believing is frightening.

But the fact that at this very moment I'm pondering all this, my mother seems to be seeing, talking and looking shocked at a ghost. Surprising questions pop into my head, surprising questions like; Why hasn't she told me she could talk to ghost? Or is this her first ghost visit?

But those questions were simply squished with the mythical fist of joy brought on by the fact that I can finally tell my mother that I am a mediator.

Be _brave_, Suze.

I pushed on the door with my index finger, letting it swing open to show my mother sitting on her bed looking exhausted and confused, while a ghost stood across her room looking mystified why someone could see him but didn't know what he was or what to do with him.

Mom shook her head before turning to me, standing in the doorway with a half grin, half smirk on my face. A twinkle of joy glowing in my less than gorgeous—at least by me—eyes. And the fact that my brain was going so fast that thoughts could not be captured and think through, because when I grabbed a hold of them in my firm mystical fist, they simply squirmed and wiggled and ran away.

Mom jumped off her bed, straightening herself, trying to show that if you heard anything that happened a few seconds ago than the answer to the question running through your thick skull is no I'm not crazy…I don't think so at least.

"Hey Mom, everything okay?" I asked trying to hide all the amusement in my tone of voice. Trying but hardly succeeding.

This seemed to pass my mom unfazed, "Yes, fine, perfect, why do you ask?"

"Oh, I just thought I heard you say something about ghosts," I said as nonchalantly as I could.

This was the moment. I knew it. I just had to remain composed.

"Oh no, Susie, of course not. We both know that there is no such thing as ghosts," she answered but she wasn't looking at me but rather at my feet. Trying to avert her gaze I see.

The ghost standing next to her was looking back and forth, from me to my mother, trying to keep up with what the heck was going on. His fists were clutched by his stomach, not in an aggressive way, but rather confusion or maybe nervousness.

"Oh, so you weren't talking to the ghost of a man with gray hair, looking to be in his 50's wearing beige slacks and a burgundy sweater?" I swear I tried my hardest to suppress the sarcasm but I let it slip just a tad when I saw my mothers eyes bug insanely.

Eyes bulging from her head I could have sworn they were going to fall out. I smirked a little more, while my mom tried to spit out words, "You…you can see him?"

I entered her room completely, shutting the door behind me. "That I can," I answered in quite an amused tone. I walked closer to the ghost, so that we were hardly five feet away, "So, I'm Suze, mediator. I assist ghosts to their after life. Before you even bother asking, yes I can see, speak, touch, and hear the dead. But I advise you, that if you know what's good for you, you won't touch me, at all. Now, if you want my help to move on I'll need to know your name and untidy business. If your business is something your unsure of, start off with how you died," the man unclenched his fists looking less nervous and slightly calmer.

He looked just as impress as I felt. I've gotten good at this. Okay, fine, props to Father D. and Jesse. If only they were here to see this impressive moment.

I didn't risk a glance over at my mom to see how she was taking it. I didn't need to. I knew just how big her eyes were, and how far down her jaw hung. I knew my mother; after all I am her daughter.

"Uh…George, George Brown," he said hesitantly. Should have known he'd be a George. And don't go into that judging a book by its cover. Trust me often times judging a book by its cover isn't so bad, or ghost in this place. Sure, there are exceptions—Jesse—but stereotypically speaking, it's mostly obvious.

I mean, if you were walking down the street and you had to choose which alleyway to take. Would you walk down the dark and dreary one with the ghost of a 400 pound sumo wrestlers looking angry enough that with a blink of an eye he could make a grown man cry.

Or would you walk down the alley with the sun shining and flowers growing, with a cute little ghost of a six year old girl holding flowers she wants to give you.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

"I'd like you to tell my wife, Diane, that I love her, and" he paused, looking around the room with very shifty eyes, "and that there is a key at the bottom of my sock drawer. The key is to a locked box under the bed. Inside is everything special to me. Everything I hold dear to me about her and I just want her to have it." Aww how sweet. So loving.

"Speak English?" I asked, my tone a little softer and touched my the tenderness of his love.

"Yes."

"Alrighty then, no problem."

I walked over to the phone, picking it up, I heard the dial tone. I called the operator and asked for a Diane & George Brown. It rang twice before a woman answered. Her voice was clogged as if she had a running nose. Must be from tears and sorrow over her husband's death.

"Hi there, I'm looking for a Diane Brown?" I asked, politely.

"This is her," muttered the voice softly.

"I have a message that is quite important that I have pass onto you. Your husband loves you," I paused as I heard a sniffle, "And that at the bottom of his sock drawer is a key. This key is for a locked box under the bed. Inside the lock box, he says, are some very important things to him, things about you that he holds dear to him," I glanced at George to make sure I was getting this right.

He nodded his head, "I'm very sorry for your loss Mrs. Brown. Goodnight," I finished and hung up.

I watched slowly as George faded away, saying thanks to me. Thanks to him for not being a ravaging mad man who wanted to beat me to a bloody pulp. I'd just gotten over some of my other bruises from this last guy.

Which takes me back to judging a ghost by his looks. This last guy—before George—looked tough and bad. And guess what he was? Tough and bad. Punches sucked too. Don't know if I would have made out of that one so well if it weren't for Jesse.

"Susie, how did you…oh…uh…how…what…" my mother interrupted my blind staring at the phone and bouncing thoughts. Although she interrupted with a less than perfect sentence.

Can't blame her though, this was really weird. "Mom? Exactly how long have you been seeing ghosts?" I asked confused. I mean, was this really her first ghost?

"Well, I guess…" she looked down at her feet again, "I guess since the crash."

Oh well that makes much more sense. I think. Maybe it just brings more unanswered questions. Oh boy! Long night. Luckily the guys were away for the wrestling match in a town outside of Carmel.

I wrapped my arm around her petit shoulder and guided her to sit down on the bed. "We've got a lot to talk about then."

I smiled, maybe tonight is a _good night_.

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_Review Please_


	6. Chapter 6

_I'm putting this all at the start because I don't want to ruin the ending by throwing in some of my pathetic words. So just remember no matter what happens you have to _**review**

_So, this is just another chapter of the many to come. Please, if you don't like this chapter don't give up on me; just tell me what you didn't like. Meaning, once again, _**review**

_I want to apologize for the past and in advance. I suck at updated and it's been so hectic with all my assignments and testing. Get angry with them not me. Now, enough with my pathetic excuses on with the Mediators we love._

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Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Time. The longest and most boring and complicated thing on this earth. Well, at least right now.

I couldn't help but sit in class and watch the clock tick slowly. I thought if I concentrated enough that the minutes would disappear, ending the period, as if it was a shifter's ability.

Or so I thought, until I could have sworn it went the other way.

The sister teaching the class droned; inside, I could tell, she was secretly wishing she wasn't here. The sounds of pencils tapping, papers rustling, whispered chatter, and the inevitable clock ticking.

I felt like I was going insane.

All I wanted was to see the hand reach the twelve and dash for the door in search of one person. Not that this person was special I just wanted to tell them something that was.

Maybe they could take my mind away from insanity.

I tuned back into the Sister's rambles and then unfocused. There was really no point for me to be in school today. All my classes were like this. It was a late last night, nothing the teachers said ever made it into my brain, and all these thoughts were swelling around mistily.

Thoughts of last night…

"There's still something I don't understand, Mom."

"What's that, honey?" she asked, looking at me carefully. She'd been doing it the entire night. Staring at me while I told my story.

It was hard to tell her. My Carmel life story wasn't uneventful. It was long and full. And speaking to her about Jesse was difficult when I was afraid she would never understand what love I felt for him.

What love he felt for me.

"Why can you see the ghosts now?" I asked her. We were lying on her bed. I was holding a pillow, clenching it to my stomach as we continued to speak.

"Hmm," she sighed to herself, "Maybe the accident triggered it, I mean I was in a coma," my mother stumbled slightly on her words.

This was the news reporter that could speak about a fatal plane crash or a bombing without a faltering voice or a wavering smile unless she made it happen.

She was scared. Traumatized by the events that happened that evening that feels like a distant nightmare.

I smiled weakly at her, "I guess it could, but does that mean that every person that has a near death accident sees ghosts afterwards?"

She was stumped just as much as I was. She shook her head slightly, "I don't know, Susie, I just don't know."

Her weak smile was all that I could picture.

She looked like a hurt puppy. Lost and scared. Her confidence of the world was gone. And all this happened in little old Carmel-by-the-Sea.

I was actually pretty excited for my shifting lesson today. Normally its, "Great, I have another stupid mediator lesson." However, today, I had some awesome news to tell him.

And yeah, I know the lessons are less stupid and more useful, but they are so time consuming. And I could be doing homework, or practices my kick-boxing or spending time with the most amazing boyfriend in the world—not with Paul.

I saw Paul in the hallway after lunch.

And according to CeeCee, he's single. See, since Winter Formal, Kelly and Paul have been dating. Hmm, I don't think dating is the right word.

Kelly's more his on and off buddy. They fight over the most stupid things.

Paul would often break it off with her because she becomes too clingy or annoying, but once and a while Kelly would dump Paul.

Like last week, when I was looking after Mom, I apparently missed the funniest conversation since I insulted Kelly when I first moved here—I still don't see what was so funny, I was dead serious about breaking her fingers.

The story is that Paul insulted her and she flipped. Literally flipped, well not her, but the table and chair she pretty much threw across the room. And here I thought she was a defenseless weakling. It was hilarious and I laughed until my ribs hurt.

Paul is always insulting Kelly, she's just too much of a dumb blonde to notice it.

Anyway, besides the point. At lunch, as I stalked my way over to his locker, he is single. Funny, isn't it?

"Hey," I said, as I casually leaned against the locker next to his.

"Hi," he said, glancing at me and then turning back to digging in his own locker.

"You okay?" I asked hesitantly. I watched as his whole body stiffened. Yup, something was definitely wrong.

"That obvious?" he asked, not moving a muscle, nor turning his gaze away from the inside of his locker.

"Only to me," I said, smiling shyly.

He shifted a little, "Its just Kelly, she has somehow gotten worse. You know, more annoying then I can handle without tearing my hair out," he said, looking down at me.

I grinned. "Don't worry 'bout her. You've dealt with way worse than some blonde," I said, pointing to myself. At least Kelly doesn't stick a thumb in his eye. "Anyway," I said pushing off the locker, "I've got some amazing news, but I'll tell you after school," I paused, looking at Paul, trying to read his expression, "We are still on for the lesson, right?" I asked.

"Oh yeah, definitely. Best thing that'll happen today, at least for me."

"Aw, thanks Paul," I said sweetly.

"I meant the lessons, not you Suze," he said with the trademark Slater grin.

I sucker punched him in the arm.

Backing up slowly, "Hey, can I get a lift with you? My car is in the shop." Paul just grinned and nodded while I turned and disappeared for my history class.

Oh, sorry, did I confuse you.

That's right. Susannah Simon not only has a cell phone, the best friends, and a really hot boyfriend. Nope, she has a car, too.

I turned seventeen awhile ago and told Mom I desperately needed a car.

And although I didn't take her seriously when she'd said she'd think about it. She talked to Andy and a couple months later a car showed up in the driveway.

Alright, so it wasn't that simple, and Mom totally made me work for the car.

Nevertheless, that doesn't matter. I have a car. It's a beautiful 1967 mustang convertible.

Andy knew a guy who as repairing it as a hobby—he didn't even have a use for it. But the guy sold it cheap.

It was so worth it that day. I had just come down stairs on a Saturday when I heard Dopey scream about some random car parked in the driveway.

Andy was all like, "Brad, it's not some random car, it belongs to Suze."

Yeah, Dopey's dumb face was priceless.

So why, you may ask is it in the shop?

Don't worry I didn't wreck it. I just need its oil changed or something.

It wasn't running as sharp as it could, or that's what Jake said when I pulled into the driveway one day. Whatever, right, I have a car and that's all there is to it.

Debbie's obnoxious laughter brought me out of my stupor. She was batting her eyes and pouting her lips in a sickening way towards one of the guys from the basketball team.

That's all it takes, I guess. Dopey's out of town for two days and she can't help to hit on one of his dweebish friends.

And she wonders why people call her a slut behind her back.

Or just _easy_.

Oh my, Susannah Simon. Is this what you have demoted yourself too? Thinking about Debbie, leech-of-popularity, Mancuso.

I grabbed my books and my bag and got out of that class faster than you can say, Suze is a big idiot. I just couldn't believe I had been out of it the entire period.

I found CeeCee and Adam by my locker, debating about…honestly; I'm not really sure what they were talking about. Something random, obviously.

And it didn't look like I was about to find out either since I caught the tail end and Adam saying, finally, "Alright, Cee, your smarter than me."

CeeCee just grinned in accomplishment for causing Adam to say what everyone already knows. Adam leaned in for a kiss, which she happily greeted.

Steady since Winter Formal, these two. It's adorable and I'm totally happy for them but it can be a total yuck-feast on my end.

I finished my walk to my locker and began twisting the dial. "Aww, how…what's the word?" I paused as CeeCee and Adam pulled away noticing that I was in their presence and about to poke fun at them.

"Adorable?" CeeCee said, through her tight grin.

I shook my head, "No, that isn't right. I was thinking…disgusting." I pulled the lock and the door popped open. I immediately dumped my books from my last class in my locker.

"Oh, please, Suze. You and Jesse have been way worse before," CeeCee said.

"Well, you shouldn't have walked into my room without knocking," I said, referring to the time when Jesse and I were on my bed and…well the rest is self-explanatory.

Her grin somehow grew, "I was talking about that time at lunch," she paused, trying to hide her giggles, "and that time in the middle of the Winter Formal, and then again after the Winter Formal, oh and that time at the coffee clutch and in the theatres and at your place and—"

"Alright Cee," I interrupted, smiling sheepishly, while turning a bright red, "Alright Cee. You win, you're smarter than me," I said quoting Adam.

"See, you've done your fair share of scarring us," Adam said laughing all the while not tearing his eyes away from CeeCee.

Oh, and don't get me started on the love-y dove-y faces they make.

Do Jesse and I do that?

"Right," I said, calming my laughing, "What's on for tonight?"

"Coffee Clutch. You and Jesse gonna come?" CeeCee asked, running her pale hand through her hair.

"I couldn't think of a place I rather be," I said through my grin. I grabbed the books I needed for the night's homework and slammed my locker shut. "Just promise to keep the scarring to a minimum?" I asked.

They just giggled and muttered sure before turning to walk away. And I headed to towards one person, Paul Slater.

…what? My car is in the shop.

-----

"So, your mom's a mediator now?" Paul asked as we sat on his bed.

"Uh-huh," I nodded; lying down on my back beside Paul's sitting form.

"And you told her…everything?" he asked hesitantly. He didn't turn to look at me but kept staring straight at the wall.

"For the most part. Don't worry, your rep is safe," I said. I watched as relief covered his body and couldn't help but steal the smirk he normally wears.

"How'd she take it?" he asked, finally turning around to face me—who was still smirking towards the ceiling.

"Fine, I mean, as well as anyone might. And I still have some other details to tell her, but it was funny how crazy she thought she was until I told her," my smirk faded to a smile thinking of the night and the enormous weight lifted off my shoulders.

I mean, this was what I wanted my entire life, at least since I was two and found out I could see creatures my mother couldn't.

And I had finally gotten to tell her. Tell her everything that makes me the way I am.

After a few minutes I sat upright, "Well, Mr. Know-It-All, what are we learning today?" I asked.

Paul moved for the plastic bin with all his 'teaching supplies' inside. "Healing," he said pulling a thick, dusty book out. It looked just like all the others.

Fat, heavy, old, dusty and in some completely foreign language.

After that, he made me read the translations he had. It spoke about shaman being able to heal. They could never bring back the dead with the power just heal the wounded. It took great concentration until blue energy of life would leave one and enter the other. Technically no real life was being moved but rather the energy of the life. The healing power would almost completely drain the healer but if would do no permanent damage, to speak of.

I looked up at Paul, who'd been reading over my shoulder. "Cool, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah," I muttered, scanning back over the page.

"Good, let's try it," he said, climbing off the bed.

Oh how I love our shifter lessons.

----

At first, I thought Paul was insane.

Well, I often think Paul is insane—probably a genetic thing.

See, I thought that it was only to heal—the blue energy thingy.

No, I was wrong. Apparently, we could pass the energy to another shifter.

Yeah, I didn't understand it either, but Paul just told me to shut it and do as he said. Bossy, isn't he?

I never got to pass any. I tried but this stuff isn't so easy.

After that, Paul drove me to the shop to pick up my baby. Not literally, baby, but you know, my car.

The mechanic gave it to me after guessing three times if he knew my (step) brother or something. I tried to just tell him, but did he listen…Noooo.

I was headed toward home, when I realized I didn't feel like going there just yet.

Another trip to the beach was needed. I took a turn and drove the fairly empty road to my sand covered destination.

I wanted to be alone, but there seemed to be quite a few couples there this time of night. Therefore, I wandered in behind some cliffs and sat down in the sand.

The water licked at my toes after I'd taken my shoes off.

I leaned back into the sand and listened for the ocean, the waves, the birds, the peace.

My eyes were drifting closed when I heard a grunt. I thought nothing of it, until I heard it again.

I sat upright quickly and focused my attention on a man further in the large rocks I'd walked around.

When I say man, I'm talking about someone Jake's age.

I couldn't make out the person face or what the grunting noise was about.

Until I saw him arguing with a blonde, around my age or so, that would give Kelly a run for the boys.

I couldn't help but to stare and hope that neither of them could see me.

I forgot that I was trying to relax and focused my gaze on these two transfixing people.

The man looked tense and almost fearful. Just the shape of his body and the way he would change from a bright red face of anger to a pale one of fright. It bothered me that I couldn't see his face though, nor the girls.

When I thought the argument was about to get worse, the girl leaned closer, taking the man's hand and kissed him on the cheek.

It was sweet how the couple had solved their problems, except something still bothered me.

The girl left the rocks alone, with the man gazing after her, and something in my stomach turn, my gut just didn't feel right.

I wanted to see this man.

The girl left and it was just me staring straight at the man. He turned to leave coming closer to me before walking away.

And what I saw made me feel sick.

I realized why my stomach was turning, why my gut just didn't feel right.

I couldn't get up. I tried but my legs froze beneath me and my arms were too weak to carry me.

My throat was stark dry and I quivered as if I was freezing.

Because the man I had just witnessed with another blonde of the female variety was…

…Jesse. My Jesse.

----


	7. Chapter 7

Back again, with an update. Not late, so go me! In this chapter I threw in a little bit of Cee's POV, so let me know what you think of that, too.

And I've decided to start naming my chapters, don't know why, but I am.

--- **Searching for Peace** ---

I promise. I swear I tried to get up and move.

I tried to chase after Jesse.

The second I finally got my legs moving, I ran barefoot across the jagged rocks only to find that he was gone.

He had disappeared out of site.

I broke down in the parking lot and cried.

I didn't care how many people saw me. I just didn't care. Jesse was with some other girl.

There was something going on.

I don't know what, but the fact that he'd been cheating on me scared me. He would never do that. Would he? He said he wouldn't.

Do I really know Jesse? Is this what Jesse was like when he was first alive? Running around with different women.

Did he just fall back into his old habits? Or was he even really cheating on me?

The tears flowed steadily down my cheeks.

And here I thought that things might just work out for Susannah Simon.

But no! Someone has to come around and beat me down. I can't just have a smile, no; I have to have a heaping of shame, regret, or pain.

And as of lately, the pain as been dished out on my plate way to much. I may as well take the whole tub of it.

I crawled over to my car and leaned against the passenger door. I flung my head back and felt relief as the physical pain seared throughout me, matching my inner pain.

I repeated until I couldn't do it anymore and let my head fall loosely to my knees.

The tears were still running down my cheeks, carrying with them the mascara and eyeliner from this morning.

And frankly, I didn't care if I looked terrible.

I just wanted what I saw to have never happened.

I began to think about how long it'd been going on. Whatever had been going on with Jesse and this mystery blonde?

How far had they gone? Is this why Jesse never wanted to go further with me. Because he didn't need to, he'd leave that to his 'chick on the side'.

I never knew how much this could hurt. The pain was too unbearable.

I want to say that my heart shattered.

But it didn't.

My heart didn't break. Although, I wish it had because that pain would have been better. Agonizing pain, but to the point. I somehow knew that a broken heart was easier to fix than what had just happened to me.

I remembered the feeling, I'd felt it before, but never this intense, never this strong. Never did I feel so drained.

I felt my heart beat one minute and the next I didn't.

It was as if it had disappeared. Gone from the inside of my body. Turned to stone, frozen to ice, colored itself black.

Because all at once the tears that flowed down in my cheeks like a river in the pouring rain suddenly stopped. My head rose from my chest and I was sure my face wore a scowl. I focused my gaze on the shinning hubcap of the car two spaces away.

It glinted in the light of the moon. I hadn't realized how late it was.

But then again, I didn't realize the materialization of a ghost. One that I'd seen before but hadn't thought anything of him.

"Not now, Tom," I said, bitterly, still glaring at the hubcap.

"You remember me? Good," he said, answering his own question.

"Can you just go away, I'm not in the mood now," I muttered in frustration.

"You've been crying, why?" he asked me. For someone who looked so grungy, he seemed so sincere.

"What are you? My therapist? Just go away," I repeated, becoming irritated.

"You're not trying to stop the bad things that are coming," he sighed leaning against the car with the hubcap I'd been glaring at.

The conversation from Father Dominic's office floated into my mind…

"_I can't say much," he said taking a step forward and lowering his voice a bit, "because I don't know much, but…" he paused again, looking around the room as if someone might me hiding. "Bad things, huge, powerful things are going to happen, and you," he murmured looking at me, "have to stop it," he stepped back and regained his less than a murmur voice. "You won't be able to, though, not by yourself, anyway."_

"Wait a minute," I said, slowly, "Did you have anything to do with what happened tonight?" The face he wore showed me he didn't, "Then what the hell are you talking about. This night is the worse things could ever get," I hadn't realized the change in my voice, or the rise in it.

"I guess you're not ready, yet," he said, sighing again.

I couldn't handle it anymore. "LEAVE!" I screamed, not caring if anyone heard me or not. I was done talking to him. I didn't look up; until I knew for sure, he was gone.

I slipped my hand across my face smearing the makeup off and hopefully removing the tears with it.

Moving down my neck, I placed a hand on my chest and was dumbfounded when I couldn't find the beating of my heart.

It was like it was gone.

I looked at my hand in astonishment and was startled when I saw CeeCee's face appear in front of me.

"Huh?" I said to her as she looked at me worriedly.

"Suze, are you alright. You look like you've been crying, and neither you nor Jesse showed at the Clutch tonight," she was kneeled down beside me on the ground, her hand on my knee—either to balance herself or to comfort me.

That's when I realized that Adam was there too. His face showed more worry than Cee's did.

"I'm fine. Sorry, I lost track of the time and forgot about you two," I muttered. CeeCee didn't look convinced but let it slide, stood up and stuck a hand out to help me.

I didn't take it; I pretended not to notice it and quickly stood up using the car door.

"I can't stay, though. I really should be getting home to finish that homework," I said walking around to the other side of my car.

CeeCee looked at me oddly. I didn't want them to bring up the fact that there wasn't any homework tonight or let her notice that I had left my shoes down by the shore, so I jumped in the car and speeded out of there faster than I should have.

I slowed down on the streets, so I didn't draw attention.

I just wanted to get home. I just wanted to scream into my pillow.

My phone began ringing, but I just kept driving.

I turned the radio on to try to smother the ringing, but Usher's song came on.

_I got a chick on the side wit a crib and a ride  
I've been telling you so many lies ain't nothing good its all bad  
And I just wanna confess cause its been goin' on so long._

I quickly turned it off only to once again be bombarded with the ringing of my cell. It was better than listening to a song that I had too much in common with.

It eventually stopped, but as I pulled into the driveway, the ringing began again.

I saw the name as CeeCee's and pressed the ignore button. I didn't really want to talk to her right now. Nor any one else, so I turned my cell off.

Climbing out of the car, I walked to the side of the house and climbed up to the window of my room.

I wanted to avoid all confrontation with my family.

I threw my junk on the bed and realized how dirty my feet had become. They were as black as my heart felt.

I grabbed my stereo and plugged it into the bathroom outlet, playing a mix of some crappy songs that matched my mood.

I ran a hot bath and dumped whatever soothing crap I had under the sink in.

I just wanted to **forget** the night.

--- **CeeCee's POV** ---

"She won't answer," I said turning to Adam.

Suze had just taken off in such a hurry that it startled us. I was worried that something had happened that she wouldn't tell us.

Suze is always full of secrets and the way she acted showed there was something really wrong.

I just didn't know what it was.

The tears suggested that it was Jesse, but he's so good to her that that couldn't be the reason why she's crying.

And the way she didn't say a word about what she was doing suggested that it might be paranormal.

Although, the more I thought about it, the more confused I grew. All I knew for sure was that something was definitely wrong.

I turned back to Adam and saw Jesse coming up behind him.

"Hello," he said, smiling politely.

He didn't look concerned proving to me that he probably didn't know that Suze was upset.

"Hey Jesse," I said, glancing quickly to Adam. He wasn't paying much attention though. I think he was trying to figure out what was wrong with Suze. I know, I still was, I just didn't look so engrossed in it.

"Have you seen Susannah? I tried calling her cell, but she didn't answer. I figured maybe you two knew where she was."

"Uh," I said, slowly. "She just went home. She was here a couple of minutes ago. Took off in a hurry," I paused not sure whether or not to tell Jesse that she was in tears and looked like she was really messed up, "I think there was something wrong," I decided to be brief.

"Yeah, she went home," Adam confirmed.

Jesse nodded and began walking away. I watched nervously. A feeling of deep sorrow creeping up.

Something was **wrong**, that's all I knew for sure.

--- **Simon's POV** ---

The music blared throughout the bathroom. I didn't bother turning it down, even after Mom, Dopey and Andy came to complain.

I just soaked in the smell of the thick bubbles and watched the flames of the candles I'd lit dance in different directions.

I closed my eyes and wished that I hadn't seen what I'd seen. That what had happened, hadn't happened.

All of a sudden, the music was turned down to an inaudible hum and my eyes flew open. There was Jesse standing by the door.

Sadly, the first thing I did was check to make sure I had bubbles covering my body before I screamed at him.

"GET OUT!" I shrieked.

"Susannah, what's wrong?" Jesse asked confused. It made it hard for me to stay mad at him.

But the needed heart beat was gone and I was left with shallow coldness and had become unaffected by emotion.

"I thought I said, 'get out,'" I said, slowly and indifferently, enunciating every syllable.

Jesse's confusion just grew. "What did I do, Susannah?" he asked me calmly.

If I had a heart then, I would have broken down in tears.

"Oh don't you dare. I saw you tonight, with that, that, girl. ARGH!" I screamed in frustration. I looked at the tile of the wall and then back at Jesse's face.

The one that could make me smile with one blink, made me feel sick to my stomach.

"Susannah, I—" Jesse began, but I silenced him.

In a slow growl, "Get out," I said.

He looked shocked, but finally left me alone in the bathroom.

I looked down at the bubbles and then at the same tile from before. I reached over to the volume control on my stereo and cranked the music back up.

I searched for the same peace I'd been looking for and found nothing. For the third time today, there was no peace.

After a half hour, I climbed out of the tub, dried and changed into my silk boxers and black tank-top.

Turning off my music, I angrily stormed out of the bathroom and was startled to find Jesse sitting at his spot on the window seat.

"What _freaking_ part about 'get out,' don't you understand?" I asked, aggravated.

I began feeling the same sick stomach as before. This time though, not only was it worse, a light head and much dizziness accompanied it.

I saw Jesse's lips move but everything went black and I collapsed.

I was washed away with darkness, and finally, for the first time today, I found my **peace**.

---

And she's **DOWN**!

Sorry it's not longer. Honestly, I'm trying. Thanks for the reviews, they were great! Now, let me know if you still love Jesse? Because that could decide on how I write the next chapter :P **Review**


	8. Chapter 8

_Yay! Another chapter. I wrote two scenes in a different style, and while it's confusing, it's kind of cool. So let me know what you think of that. And what you think is happening to Suze._

--- **Dead Inside** ---

--- _Jesse P.O.V_ ---

I watched in horror as her eyes unfocused.

I tried to speak to her but all of a sudden, she just fell; her body crumpling to the floor.

Distressed, I rushed to her side. She was so upset with me, and I knew why. I knew what she'd seen, although I never would have wanted her to see that.

I couldn't tell her.

It could hurt her. It _would_ hurt her, more than I could handle. And all I ever wanted to do was keep her out of harms way.

I could lose her if she knew the truth, the whole truth. Not what she believes she saw. Susannah doesn't understand, I didn't have a choice.

I was by her side, quickly, holding her head in my arms. I cursed myself briefly for not being able to catch her.

I checked for her breathing, it was there. Warm and faint against my cheek. I held her wrist searching for a pulse, and was unsatisfied when I couldn't find it.

I checked her neck and became vexed when there was no thump-thump-thump of her heart. The beating was gone.

I scooped her up in my arms and carried her down the stairs.

I saw Andy and Helen in the living room; Susannah's step-brothers, like usual, were no where to be found.

"Mr. and Mrs. Ackerman," I said softly, with urgency in my voice. I couldn't tell them what was wrong because, I honestly did not know. She was breathing but I could not find her heart beat.

It was as if she didn't have one, like her heart was gone.

Helen and Andy turned to look at me carrying their little girl and I was briefly afraid of what they would think of me holding her while she flopped, limply in my arms.

Helen's gasp rang throughout the still air. Andy quickly jumped up directing me to put her down on the couch.

I did so and looked at them directly, "I don't know what's wrong, she just fainted, but I can't find her heartbeat," I said, trying to remain my composure.

"Oh no," Helen sighed again. She dropped to her knees and began stroking Susannah's face. Andy disappeared to the kitchen and came back in with a damp face cloth and a phone.

"Helen, I think we should call a doctor," Andy said softly.

Helen just shook and I wanted to comfort her, but I was just as scared that Susannah was hurt.

The only problem was, I started to wonder if maybe there wasn't anything wrong with Susannah. That she had just shifted or something.

But the fact that her heartbeat was gone, bothered me, and I couldn't leave it alone.

I took the phone from Andy and called my mentor from the University. He was working at the hospital tonight and I thought he could help me.

"Joe, its Jesse. Listen, you remember Susannah, right?" I asked, I had to turn away from her body, so I wouldn't cry.

"Of course, how's she doing?" Joe asked politely.

"Terrible. We were…talking, and then she just collapsed. I thought maybe she just fainted but I can't find her heartbeat, she's breathing, just barely, but…" I choked and I couldn't finish the sentence.

"I'm going to send an ambulance, okay? I just need an address." Joe said, calmly.

I gave it to him and with a quick goodbye; I dropped the phone on the table. I took unsteady steps towards the couch where Susannah lay and placed a hand gently on her fragile one.

It was cold and I worried for her. I should've left then. It wasn't safe for Susannah with me there, but without explaining, she would do something rash.

There didn't seem to be a choice I could make that would help Susannah.

The sirens rang throughout the air and I felt my blood pump faster in fear, and my feet freeze in worry.

This wasn't happening. I had tried to keep her out of harm's way and here she was thrown into it, anyway.

I was going to kill her.

Not on purpose of course, but just look at tonight. I hurt her and I didn't even mean to. I hadn't done anything but be in her presence and I made her fall. I did this to her.

I didn't realize, due to being so consumed by my mind's ranting, that I'd climbed aboard the ambulance with Susannah. I was still staring at her pale, fragile, hand.

I couldn't stay there. I just couldn't cause the pain of someone I loved so much.

I had to leave.

--------

Breathe.

Wake up, and breathe.

Open your eyes and see the world.

Ignore the silence, listen for the deep breathe.

Swallow, twitch, realize; you're not gone, never gone.

Loss of heartbeat, loss of soul, feeling empty; yet not dead.

Wake up, breath.

Open your eyes.

See the world.

White walls, white sheets, white skin.

Mother crying, weeping, sobbing for you.

Say it, breathe it.

Not dead. I love you, Mom.

Words not heard.

Silent as the beating, the beating of the heart.

Cough, sigh, mutter, make noise.

Don't be silenced.

SCREAM.

Startled eyes, pried on me.

Broken heart, began her beating.

Mine, still silent.

Nothing felt for the tears that poured down her cheeks.

I was dead inside.

Gentle touch on thy hand.

Quick eyes, quiver on the beholding.

Him, he, the evil, the slayer of my heart, my lover.

To limp, to tired to pull away.

To dead inside.

Breathe.

Rush of sound.

Speaking softy, shouting loudly, rolling wheels, and subtle beeping.

"Oh honey, we were so scared," says the startled eyes.

"We didn't know what happened, we still don't," evil beholder speaks.

Blink, blink, breathe, and stutter.

"Yeah,"

Don't care, never care, dead inside.

Startled eyes, close, disappearing through the door.

"I'm sorry," the evil speaks.

Demoted of intelligence, dead inside.

"It wasn't what you're thinking. I would never hurt you," the evil lies.

To tired to care, to tired to weep, to dead inside.

"Me too," stuttered a voice not known to my mind.

New to me, new to the world.

Sounding dead inside.

"I love you," the evil lies again.

No words, no muffles, falling silent.

Slight nod, blink, blink, breathe.

Blink, darkness, quietness.

Not me, not me, dead inside.

-----------

I woke up to hear my mother arguing with the doctor. "What do mean something is wrong with her heart? She was awake earlier and seemed fine," she was chewing on her fingernail, as stubby as it was.

"We would just like to keep her longer to run some tests," the doctor says, his bifocals slipping off his nose, he pushes them higher up the bridge.

"Can we ask her?" my mother says, less intense a voice, almost…pleading.

"Ask me what?" I asked roughly, softly.

"Oh honey, you're awake. How are you feeling?" she asks.

Short answer, Fine. Long answer, miserable, headache, sore throat, rigid, confusion.

"Odd," I say simply.

"What is the last thing you remember?" the doctor asks, walking over to the foot of my bed and picking up a chart. He keeps his eyes on me.

"Um," I said, thinking. What was the last thing I remember? "Paul."

"Paul?" my mother queries.

"Yes, I…he drove me to pick up my car," I said, wondering why they were looking at me strangely.

"Do you remember anything after that?" he asked.

I shook my head, and immediately regretted it. The pain throbbed.

"What happened?" I asked, slowly.

"You suffered from a minor case of mental breakdown. Meaning too much stress to the limbic system, which is where your emotions evolve," his pen quickly scribbled something down.

I brought fearful eyes to my mother, silently begging with her, "Can I go home, now?" I asked, my voice becoming weak.

"We'd like to run some tests first," the doctor said again.

"Quick ones?" I asked, becoming tired suddenly.

He didn't answer me. Just went for a nurse. They made me do a bunch. Stand here, stand there and all the while I just wanted to rest my head.

The last one finally came, I had to be x-rayed.

I sat in the cold room of the doctor's waiting for him to return with the results.

The chair was cushioned, and I felt drowsy. Objects around the room blurred into shapes and then to unexplained fuzz.

I slipped back into the familiar darkness.

--------

Shaking.

Touch on arm.

Warmth, coursing.

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

Blink, blink, sit up, startled stare.

Bright light, squint, unprepared, glimpse.

Photograph, x-ray.

Hole, black and deep.

Empty, dead, dead inside.

Pointing pudgy fingers, pointing to the hole.

The dead, dead inside hole.

"My heart," the pudgy fingers cry.

The white coat, unwanted, wishing gone.

Not right, not wrong, just different.

Leave, Leave me alone.

Gasp, touch on hand.

Shriek, my shriek, the voice not known to my mind.

Leave.

Gone, alone at last.

Standing, staring, glaring.

Photograph, my heart, the black.

Reaching, holding, folding.

Hiding, leaving, walking.

Never staying.

Walk out.

Grabbed hand, squeezed to tight.

Pulled one way.

Startled eyes, has her hold.

Four wheels, windows, handles.

Car.

Get in, leave, going, gone.

Blurred, trees.

Blink, breathe.

Blurred pavement.

Blink, breathe.

Driveway, wind, open door.

Moving, walking.

Stairs, faces, eyes.

Pink, pink, blue forget-me-nots.

Bed, cushions, pillows.

Blink, blink, breathe.

Darkness.

------------

I woke up else where. I wasn't sure how I'd left the hospital. The last place I remember being was in the doctor's office. And I fell asleep.

Someone must have carried me home.

I don't remember coming here.

Feeling so tired, I climbed out of bed and moved towards the door. Only to have it open in my face, showing my mother, followed by Andy carrying a plate of food.

I jumped high, startled. Twitching slightly, I quickly climbed back into my bed, pulling the covers up to my neck.

I couldn't explain the sudden feeling of fear that had come over me as my mother entered the room.

She was worried about me, but I tried to brush it off by moving to the food they'd brought in. Food that I took two bites and felt full.

I wanted to sleep. I rolled over, alone in silence, only to find something plastic was stuck under my sweater. I pulled it out, only to see that it was an x-ray.

My x-ray. I glared intently at the black hole in the center. I felt sad looking at it, and instantly the page was thrown across the room by my own hand.

I didn't care, nor did I want to think about it more.

I wanted to sleep. Slip back into the darkness I liked to call home. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I felt like I was missing something, missing someone.

----------

**R & R**


	9. Chapter 9

**Yay! Another chapter. I had lots of time to make this long since it was a long weekend! Thanks for reading…**

----**Unfurling the Truth**----

My cell phone rang as I entered the front door after school.

I jumped as it vibrated against my skin. Pulling it out, I saw it was CeeCee. "Hi Cee," I said, dropping my keys in my purse and slipping my shoes off.

"Suze, you left school so quickly I never got a chance to invite you to Adam's for a scary movie," she said.

I was about to, once again, decline when her voice came back through the phone, "And don't you dare try and ditch us again. I've been inviting you out for the past two weeks and every time you've said no."

Two weeks. That's how long it's been since I had my so called mental breakdown. For some unknown reason I didn't believe that that was the reason I'd collapsed as I did.

But I can't even remember what happened before I collapsed or what stress I would have even been under. The last thing I can remember was going to the beach after Paul left me to pick up my car. I don't remember going home, or going to bed. Just the beach and waking up in the hospital.

Waking up confused and dazed. Feeling empty inside.

I blinked and realized CeeCee was waiting for an answer. "Yeah, I guess I'll be over," I said, unsure of my voice.

"Bring Jesse, too," she said, before saying a quick goodbye and hanging up.

Jesse. Things between us just weren't the same. Something was different. In me and in him. He acted like he had a secret and I don't have enough strength to get it out of him.

Susannah Simon has lost her strength.

I was weak and as much I never wanted to admit it, it was the truth.

I walked down the hall towards the kitchen where my mom was sitting drinking some sort of beverage and reading the morning paper.

Which baffles me. She has to report the news and yet she reads the paper.

I tossed my bag on the floor, and sat down beside her. "Hi Mom," I said, softly. She looked up at me and smiled. Realizing something wasn't quite right; she folded her paper, put her beverage down, and gazed at me affectionately.

"How was your day, Susie?" she asked me, motherly.

"Good, I guess. It was school after all." I smiled, softly. "Any news from the news woman?" I asked.

She laughed gently, "Actually. I was looking into some information and I found that you have the mediator genes on both sides of your family."

She paused looking at me, "Continue," I said, making a face at her for holding back on the information.

"Well, your great grandfather—on your father's side—knew of mediators, because he claimed, one day that he could see spirits or presences that others couldn't. When they thought he was crazy he played it off as a joke and kept his trap shut ever since," she grabbed an apple from the fruit dish and walked over to the sink.

"So that's how Dad knew what I was?" I asked her as she washed the apple under the tap, peeling the oval sticker off and planting it on the counter.

"Yes, I'd say so," she smiled, and looked down to cut the apple. I could tell her eyes were watering, and I heard a slight sniffle. She looked up at me after a moment, "Was he happy?" she asked, her eyes glassy.

I looked over at her with a sideways glance. I knew she was talking about Dad. They were in love from just after High School, and they will be forever. Even if Mom has found herself a new companion.

"Very," I said, with a half-sided grin. "He was always coming to check on us. He wanted to make sure Andy was good enough for you."

Dad was always silly like that.

"And what did he say?" she asked, as a single tear slid down her cheek.

"That you did well," I said, softening my smile.

"You know, I could never replace how perfect your dad was," I watched her smile fade just a bit as a second tear followed the trail of the first.

I thought of how good Andy has been for her, and how kind he is to me.

"I know," I said, walking to her side, "but Andy does just fine." I wiped the tear off her cheek and pulled her into a hug.

I love my mother. No matter what happens, it's always just us.

We pulled away, and my mother laughed at herself. "Oh, look at the mess I am," she grinned at me as a quick hand wiped the new tears away.

"It's fine," I said. She went back to cutting the apple into slices. "So, that's Dad's side," I said, after a moment, "What about you?"

"Um," she said, as she put the knife away and went to the fridge for the bottle of caramel I knew we had in there. "Right, well my great aunt—your great, great aunt—Debra, believed there was more to the dead. I'm guessing, because she could see ghosts. She wrote something about it in her journal. Unfortunately, I'm having trouble figuring it out, something about a distorter, but I don't actually have the journal."

She put the plate of sliced apples and caramel in front of me. "Where'd you find all this?" I asked her. She handed me a piece of paper and a can of coke.

Deborah Suet. Born 1911 – Death 1941.

"Never married, no children. Just disappeared one day," my mother said, as I gazed downward at the page.

It didn't say much. Talked about the schools she went to, where she grew up, her parents. At the bottom of the page though, there was one line written in someone's messy hand scribbles.

"VSD Distorter. The day of doom shall come when she freely walks as the evil menace."

"What does this mean, Mom?" I asked as she sat down beside me, again.

"I don't know. I don't even know how true it is. She was thought to be crazy and she did disappear, but at least I know where you got your gift from," she grinned at me and picked her mug back up.

Right, gift. Only sometimes, I guess. The only good thing was Jesse, and lately, he wasn't such a good thing. I shook my head, as if to shake the terrible thoughts.

"Maybe, this is how you see ghosts now. It was there all along, just the…incident triggered it," I said, quickly. Almost amazed at how genius it sounded.

"That does make sense," she said, taking a sip. I finished the rest of the apple slices on the plate and glanced at the time.

"Well, I'm gonna catch a quick nap before heading out. CeeCee and Adam are having a movie night," I back out of the kitchen, watching my mother's cautious eyes on me. "Mind if I keep the paper?" I asked, already stuffing it in the pocket of my gray sweatshirt. She nodded.

I smiled, before taking off up the stairs to my bedroom. I don't remember making it there. Just collapsing on my bed and washing into the darkness. The darkness was becoming more familiar to me than it should.

The darkness that hid behind my eyelids was my treasure.

------------

I woke up to the blaring sound of Dopey's music and taking a quick glance at the clock, realized I'd been out for two hours.

I grabbed my phone, and dialed Jesse's number. He answered on the second ring, "Hey."

I wanted to laugh, but I didn't. Since when did Jesse say 'Hey'. Once I used it and I swear to god that he said, "Hay is for horses."

I know, and this is the guy I fell in love with.

"Hi Jesse, I'm going to Adam's to watch a scary movie and we wanted you to come. You could swing by and pick me…"

"Can't, busy, homework," he interrupted.

"Oh, well I never got to tell you…" I started to say, but the click of his phone stopped me.

I waited until the dial-tone before I myself hung up and walked dazedly to my bathroom. Jesse was acting so strange.

In all the time Jesse had been alive he'd never answered the phone and said 'Hey' nor had he ever hung up on me without saying I love you.

I stared at myself in the mirror and realized that I don't really know what I look like, anymore. Sure, green eyes, brown hair, fair skin, but how well do I really know my own face.

The face in the mirror moved. My face moved in the mirror, yet I was standing completely still. I passed it off as if I'd just been imagining it, but something made me wonder if really, it did happen. If there really was something in the mirror.

I began to do my hair and make up when my phone rang. I heard the ringing before I actually realized what was happening. I couldn't remember even turning the ringer on.

"Hello," I said, absently. I was watching my lips move as I spoke into the phone.

"Hey, it's Cee, by the way. Your still coming to Adam's right. We're waiting for you."

I blinked a couple times before answering her, "I don't know if I feel like it, Cee," I said, hoping I could get out of it and just go back to the place beneath my eyelids.

"Oh Suze, come on. Adam and I want you to come, besides I insist," she said, matter-a-fact.

"And if I don't?" I asked partly coming out of my daze, grinning just a bit.

"I'll tell everyone that time you slipped on the mud and kicked that guy in the…"

"Okay," I interrupted, "I'm coming. I'll be over in a few," I said, barely hearing Adam snickering in the background.

I finished in the bathroom, grabbing my jacket and purse, I said goodbye to Mom and left keys in hand.

I stopped on the doorstep, thinking about Jesse. "Am I okay," I asked the chilly night air, "Are we okay?"

I didn't get an answer, or any sign of one. So I climbed into the front seat of my car and headed towards Adam's house.

--------

It was just the three of us, hanging out on the couch in Adam's den watching this month's scary movie.

I wasn't paying attention to the plot or to CeeCee who'd been moving closer and closer to Adam, or even to the fact that Paris Hilton's impending death scene was coming up.

Jesse's words kept rolling through my brain until I realized I felt like I was suffocating. I needed air and fast.

My lungs were slowly filling with toxic fumes and I needed out. "I'm gonna get some air," I muttered leaving the den.

I stepped out into the dark Californian night. Which was rather chilly from the waves of fog that were beginning to roll in. I didn't really know where I was heading, I just began walking. Eventually I came back around the block and sat on the curb at the foot of Adam's driveway.

I felt another presence, which was confirmed when the materialization of blue lights appeared before I saw the ghost from Father Dominic's office.

"What are you doing?" he asked softly.

"Whatever it looks like," I answered, mumbling through lazy lips.

"Buy why aren't you saving the world and its after-life?" he asked, yet another question.

"Because I don't know what to save it from," I answered, not focusing on what was really happening.

I sighed as I placed my palms on the thick grass behind me. Noticing my glum attitude Tom sank down beside me.

"Save the world, save him, save yourself," he said after a moment.

I looked over at him, but he had already disappeared.

I promise you, Tom, I would save the world, him and myself, if only I knew how and what from.

I liked the way the wind nipped at my flesh numbing it to a tingling sensation, causing me to linger outside longer. I sat there straining to hear the not-so-distant waves rolling against the shore in a violent-like matter.

I thought everything was going right. I had a mom who finally understood and knew everything about me, friends who care, the perfect boyfriend that I'm completely in love with, a cell phone, and a car.

What more could a girl ask for?

However, deep down, I knew something wasn't right. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach and it wasn't just about the last conversation we had.

I hadn't had a time where I could be surrounded by people and not feel lonely since Jesse came back to life, and yet, right now, sitting on the curb. I feel as lonely as I'll ever be.

Something was definitely wrong, but the question is what?

I couldn't figure out the doom of the world if I could hardly figure out who I was anymore.

I went home before the movie finished. I didn't care.

I lay in my bed that night, just starring at the ceiling, wondering where my life was going.

The feeling that lay deep in my body, made me nauseous to the point that I wanted to hurl my entire insides up my throat.

I didn't like who I was, or what was happening. I felt stupid for not being able to figure out the problem. I lay silent, waiting to slip back into the darkness, deep beneath my eyelids.

--------

Light.

Morning, sun, brightness.

Move, step, dress.

Goal. Goal.

Get through the days.

Act.

Fake.

Pretend.

Act normal.

Fake smiles.

Pretend to be fine.

Never. Never

Broken.

Unsure.

Black.

Black heart.

Dying, wheezing, waiting.

Impending doom.

Hate.

Gone.

Evil doesn't call.

Evil, is…

Evil.

Darkness.

Peaceful darkness.

Overwhelming darkness.

Taking me away from misery.

Fight for the goal.

Dead inside.

---

As my days continued in blurs. I called no one and no one called me. Jesse never spoke to me. Ignoring me more than ever.

I had stopped eating feeling weaker and less movable. Days and nights blurred to light and dark, dark being my favourite. The problem I was faced with kept pulling away pieces of my life and the faster I tried to pull them back and clutch them to my heart the faster they disappeared.

I felt jumpy and irritable all the time. As if something was going to hurt me suddenly and the feeling irritated me to the point of frustration and anger.

I kept feeling out of control and at a loss. Something more powerful was going on, as Tom had said. I just wanted to know what it was.

I knew absolutely nothing.

Days past and I never learned anything new. It wasn't like I could search it on the internet, or ask the local librarian.

They wouldn't know a thing.

I would earn myself more than enough stares, and sighs of people saying that I should probably see a physiatrist.

The thing that scared me the most, though, were the memory lapses. I remembered being one place and the next thing I knew I was elsewhere and it was a different time.

I would wake up feeling different. People would ask me something about an earlier conversation and I couldn't even remember it.

Some days I remembered every one of the slow minutes that ticked by and other days I couldn't even remember waking up and dealing with school.

I felt incredibly alone.

It was like every other Saturday night, lately. They didn't consist of movies on Jesse's couch, no just a dark, dark corner, where I get lost in my mind's thoughts.

I was isolated in the empty house. I don't remember where anyone else of my family had gone. I couldn't remember anything anymore.

The room was quiet, and yet my mind ached of loud thoughts. I watched the shadows slowly cross the room until the sun sunk into the ground and the room was left perfectly dark.

Like the dark beneath my eyelids.

But it was on this very precise day, right after the sun had sunk into the ground and the clock's minute hand at returned to the twelve, that I heard a noise.

Sure, I hear lots of noises, but lately I've been blocking them out.

No, this noise was different, this noise made me listen.

I saw something. I think I saw her.

How can I see her, if I don't know who she is?

The blonde hair flew across my room in a blur disappearing into the wall.

I don't even remember seeing a body; just the blonde, blonde hair glistening like it was sunny. Even though the sun had disappeared.

I jumped to my feet, shaking against my mind's protests.

I grabbed a pillow off my bed and clutched it to my shivering body. I wanted to know what I'd just seen; I wanted to see it again.

I wanted to know why I felt like I'd seen this blonde hair before, and why it felt so familiar.

But more than anything, I wanted to know why my fists clenched and I suddenly felt angry, like I wanted to beat something and hard.

I remember standing there, before I collapsed on the hard floor.

Washing back into the darkness. Always, the darkness.

---

Weak.

She's weak.

Not strong.

I'm strong, powerful.

In control.

In control until the beating of my heart returns.

Angry, fed up with evil.

Rage, coursed throughout my vessel.

Pick up, move.

Step, step.

Blink, breathe, door.

Step, step, stairs.

Door.

Air, trees, darkness.

Strong, not to fall.

Fall into the darkness.

Moving, walking, running.

Run.

Going, gone.

Blur of motion.

Going further, pushing harder.

Reaching, arriving.

Apartment complex.

Door, stairs, step, stairs.

Door.

Different Door.

Important door.

Wake Up.

Darkness…

---

My head throbbed and the deep smell of many people filled my nose.

Opening my eyes, I saw gray carpet. Thin carpet lying on top of concrete, bolted down.

The same smell was buried deep into my senses, the smell of an apartment. I sat up quickly, to quickly for my throbbing head.

Disentangled my legs and holding my hands to my head I began to stand up.

Once again, I'd suffered another memory lapse. I didn't know where I was, or how I got there. Just that, wherever I was, I was there.

After taking a look, I seemed to be in a long hallway, with white doors on either side. Small black numbers screwed to the entrance, just above a small circle looking glass.

I was in an apartment building, all right. I was in a familiar one. I'd been here before, plenty of times. I knew it like the back of my hand, but I hadn't been here for a while.

I shook my head, wishing for the memory of why I was here. Somehow, I knew I had to be here, and yet the memory of how I got where I was still didn't arrive to my brain.

It was lost.

My knuckles were cold, cold from the fog encrusted Carmel nights. That's how it always is, cold and foggy.

Jesse's door felt hard beneath my freezing knuckles. My breathing was fearful and frantic as I waited for the door to swing open.

My body felt angry, fuming and I couldn't understand why. I looked down at my body and asked silently what the hell was happening to me.

I heard the click of the dead bolt unlocking and the saw the door open in the hands of Jesse's. He saw me, and I began to realize that whatever my subconscious knew, there was a reason it was fuming. He began closing the door, right in my face.

Without hesitation, as if my mind wasn't in control, my foot launched in to the door, kicking it out of Jesse's hands. With a bang, the door hit the wall and stopped.

I burst into his apartment and I knew that in the weeks that I hadn't been there, someone had and something had changed.

I could smell it in the air.

And I'm not talking about the dirty dishes that had taking refugee on his counter, or the piles of dirty clothes that were strewn throughout his disgusting apartment, no I'm talking about the gentle fragrance of expensive perfume wafting out to see me storming in, in blind fury.

"I think you should leave, now," Jesse said, still holding the door wide open.

I didn't answer, nor did I look at him. I kind of just stood there, gaping, waiting for something to happen.

As if right on cue, that same blonde hair showed. The body was here this time, the head poking out of Jesse's bedroom door. "Jesse, are you coming back to bed?" she asked, before noticing me, standing right there.

Practically in front of her.

The seductive voice she'd worn changed quickly into the perky voice of the cheerleading I'm assuming she is.

"So sorry, I didn't know you had company," she came out of the room to greet me. Exposing herself wearing one of Jesse's button-down shirts and a white mini skirt.

She ran a hand through her hair, trying to fix its lopsidedness.

I didn't have time to think, I just gaped at the blonde hair that look unnatural.

As if, I'd seen it.

And the next thing I knew, the darkness came back to greet me with peace.

----

Darkness.

Taking control again.

Goal, completed.

Truth unfurled.

Vessel feeling weaker.

Weaker and more tired.

Wake up.

Open eyes, blink, breathe,

Sit up, sharp.

Evil-beholder and evil-beholder's controller.

Black and white.

Evil weak under greater evil.

Evil not so evil.

Stand, look, leave.

Walking, downing, running.

Evening air, crisp fog.

Alone.

One answer.

Now.

Run…

---

I came back running.

Feeling the urge to scream, I did.

I let it come from deep inside of me, bellowing out, rippling throughout my body before it came out into the night as a shriek of fear, anger, frustration and pain.

Unexplained confusion.

Yet another black-out. And I still wasn't in control. One answer, that's all I had. Jesse is a cheating jerk, and, and…I hate…I can't do it.

I can't say it, it's not true.

I'm still running. My feet traveling quickly across the ground, smashing into the pavement. My sneakers squeaking slightly with each curled toe.

In a breathless rag, I looked towards the heaven and screamed—yet, again—letting it rip from my inner emotions.

Look what he did.

Look what I just did.

I ran until I came to a stop.

Jamming my eyes shut, I slithered to the ground, the mud soaking through the knees of my favourite jeans, and I didn't care.

I threw my head down, hurling it hard into the thick grass. Burying my face, and the mud continued to slither into my jeans, just like she slithered into my life.

He ruined everything.

How could he do this to me. I had given him love when he was dead, a companion when he was lonely and a life when he thought there was no future for him in this world.

No! I screamed to myself. I cursed myself. I would not taint the things we had with my defiant agony. I had given that to him out of pure love.

The pit that was buried deep within my stomach erupted into a million cursed chunks that rose through my mouth and onto the grass. My head throbbed like a thousand tiny daggers. My body shivered with the evening fog.

I wasn't whole. I was split. I was missing something, something of myself.

My life was once again crushed by some unforeseen circumstance. I just wanted peace, I just wanted happiness.

My whole world, right now, was being held by some other person. Because, that's what Jesse is to me, my whole world.

I feared to open my eyes and admit what really happened.

In fact, I didn't want to see the world, anymore.

Not with life as dull and faded as it was.

I could feel my life being sucked out of me without hesitation. That's when I saw him, amidst my closed eyes. Lurking in the corners, looking dark and eerie.

He'd come for me and his name was Death.

I picked myself up off the ground. And _ran_…

-------

**Taa-dah! I'm quite pleased with this chapter, not only for its length but also for its content. I like where this is going. I'm just hoping that I don't run into any problems and get one of those annoying writers block. Thanks for the amazing reviews. **

**R&R**


	10. Chapter 10

--- **Strong & Weak** ---

I felt like I was in some dream or nightmare, as I aimlessly wandered throughout the world. Colours quickly dulling without him—just as I'd predicted. My lungs fighting my own mind to stop me.

My pace was too quick for them, my lungs, and amidst its protests, my mind too. But I kept running ignoring the nauseous feeling rising up my throat. I didn't care, I just kept running. Nothing could hurt me when I run. But that was just a lie. A lie that I desperately tried to focus on. Everything could hurt me, running or not.

It planned on doing so.

Albeit, the blissful ignorance was pure beauty that only I wanted. I wasn't sure what had just happened minutes earlier, before I took off. I wasn't even sure what I saw.

But why? How long has that been going on for? Why would he do that to me?

I felt like ripping my heart out just to feel numb of the pain. That was until I realized the pain wasn't coming from heart, like I'd thought. This feeling wasn't even pain.

This was fear. I had trusted Jesse with everything. All my secrets, all my stories, all of my life and love. Yet he betrayed it.

He was the only person I trusted with everything in the world, and he betrayed me. It left me worrying who else was going to betray me and what other tortures would attack me.

That's when I saw it. Whatever it was. A glimmer soft in the night's air, a laugh evil in the sky's fog.

But it was gone before I knew it and so was I.

------

It was late when I finally arrived. I opened the front door with my key, trying my hardest to stay absolutely quiet. It was, after all, past my curfew.

I was too weak to climb the entrance to my room, a guarantee safe way into the house. But I was exhausted and I just wanted to walk, not climb, not fight, just float.

I saw Mom lying on the couch, her droopy eyelids fighting her body's fatigue. She saw me enter mud stained and all. "Oh Susie! I thought maybe it was, you know, a ghost thing, and that you were hurt somewhere. You didn't, after all, answer your phone," she said, wildly for a person who looked like she was about to fall asleep a minute earlier.

"No, I just needed some air and I lost track of time. I'm sorry, I'll remember to call next time," I answered, beginning up the stairs.

I found my cell phone on my bed. Three missed calls, all from Mom. Not one from Jesse, the traitor that he was.

I shed my clothes, muddy from crying on wet grass and enter the cold bathroom. Although, the shower's water was warm and refreshing, I didn't feel any cleaner nor did I feel a heartbeat.

Fear coursed throughout me, and the tiny pit that had erupted in my stomach felt like it would explode, piercing me with sharp, jagged edges.

I wasn't Jesse's girl, or tough-ass Susannah Simon, anymore. I wasn't even Suze. I was just agony. Plain and simple form. I was the prediction of the end. And yet I didn't even know what the end was.

That's what made everything worse.

My life had no course, pit stops, or explanations. Just the destination at the end of the story.

I could literally feel the end growing near, but nothing I alone could do to stop it, to make sense of it.

I didn't sleep a wink, and left early the next morning, leaving a note for Mom on the counter. I got in my car and headed towards the beach. It seemed like it was the place to go.

I was tired as I crashed down on the sand, watching the one or two really early surfers out trying to catch a wave. I didn't want to be noticed. I was hiding behind some familiar rock.

I couldn't shake the feeling that something had happened here that I could remember. I closed my eyes and lay down on the warm sand trying to think of what it might be.

I heard a baby giggle forcing my eyes to snap open and me to sit upright. I looked past the rocks and saw the crowds of people that had come here for the Sunday afternoon.

I quickly found the baby building a sand castle.

I looked down at my wrist for the time, and once again was reminded by the fact that I never carry a watch. I pulled myself up off the beach, looking out on the ocean, I sighed, wishing my life had meaning like that.

I looked behind me at the semi-cliff, and saw the thing I'd been trying to forget. I saw Jesse with that girl, yet again.

But they weren't actually there. Because it was daytime, and what I was seeing was just around dusk. I realized that my eyes were closed and slowly opened them.

Although, I knew that Jesse has been doing something with someone without me knowing, seeing that which I'd been obviously trying to forget came as a shock to me as I crashed back into the sand.

Maybe we just weren't meant to be.

I shook the thought vigorously, repeating how much I love Jesse.

No matter what happens, I don't think I could ever stop loving him. I think this was the reason I picked myself off the ground, once again, and began running with all the fury in my body—leaving my car behind.

I didn't care where I was going as long as I was away. I just had to move, to run, and fight the fury climbing up my throat. The overwhelming anger coursing through my veins.

I was slowly losing control of my body. My emotions were out of whack and unbalanced. I was tired to the point that I might never wake up, to being mad that if I don't move, I'll explode with all the energy.

My heart raced as I ran down the pavement that made up the sidewalk, but I just kept running. Pushing my body to its limits, I moved forward.

I came to a halt as I landed in front of Jesse's headstone. We didn't remove it, and no one asked questions. It wasn't a big deal if they did, Father Dominic had answers.

I couldn't let the headstone be removed when so many important things had happened right in front of it. The stone was the witness to mine and Jesse's love.

I crashed to my knees, feeling faint. I cradled my head, holding it tight to fight off the imaginary migraine. I let out a wail, as I remembered everything that happened here. The kiss, the love pronouncing, his tender touch.

Thrashing a fist against the stone to relieve the something within me.

I thrashed until my hand bled. The blood seeping through the skin on my knuckles, whatever skin was left. Jesse was doing this to me, to us. He was destroying the perfect romance, the perfect love.

The crimson red blood disappeared on the darkness of the blades of grass and the thick mud. I didn't notice I was crying until the salty tear hit my lip and dripped off my face. I watched the blood and tear meet, before continuing to the ground, meshing to one large drop.

My mind burned with questions, and I felt so frail.

I searched for the strength in me, but was greatly disappointed when I never found it. What I found was a red sprinkle of light that brought forth a hideous creature.

I had to look away in disgust. "So, we finally meet, Susannah Simon."

My gaze shot towards…_it_. My face cringed as something slithered from one hole to another in its face. How did this thing know my name and what did it want with me.

My whole body shook with fear, and I swallowed my tears, "Who are you?" I croaked with distain.

I almost asked what, although, I had a niggling feeling that I might've pissed it off.

"The name's Verzerren Sie," I watched as the figure before me changed into the same skinny blonde I'd seen in Jesse's apartment. And on the rocks.

"But you can call me V," came a voice so perky I felt nauseous just to hear it.

"What do you want?" I asked my voice smoother but greatly bitter.

"That'll come in good time, my dear, I just wanted to meet the famous mediator," she shook her head, a smirk evidently clear on her face.

I couldn't process what was going on, not that I had enough time.

But when I woke up, the blackness that had enveloped me before dissolved and I found myself elsewhere.

-------

Where was I, was a great question, but I didn't get any answers.

I had an inkling feeling I knew where I was though. The chilly air around my face, the whiteness of everything and all the windows were a dead giveaway.

I slipped off the crisp mattress and landed barefoot on cold ceramic floor.

I was still wearing the clothes from the day before. The tattered rips and blood splotches marked my battle wounds, as I crossed the mostly empty and completely impersonal room to the door.

I whipped the door open and found myself staring at a hall. I came out and headed in one direction, towards the kitchen.

I saw him, Paul, sitting on the counter with his back turned to me. I could hear him murmuring and occasionally flipping a page as I stood on my toes for a single moment.

I silently crept forward until I was inches away. I could see that the book he was holding was old, like from our shifting lessons.

"How are you, Simon?" Paul asked, causing me to jump slightly. He didn't even look up, let alone turn around.

"Fine, confused, but fine," I muttered.

I watched as a smirk spread across his face. "I'll bet you're confused. I found you in the graveyard, unconscious," he said.

I let out a groan as I remembered the previous incidents before I'd collapsed. "Not again," I sighed quietly.

"Pardon?" Paul asked.

"Nothing," I paused, thinking, "Verzerren Sie, mean anything to you?" I questioned absently.

"No, should it?" he answered, starring at me quizzically.

"That was her, its, name," I said as I stepped around, pulling myself up, and sitting beside Paul on the counter. "I don't know why I remember it, but it's all that's running through my head. It was disgusting, but then it morphed, changed into a Kelly, almost."

I gently began swinging my legs. "Kelly?" Paul questioned. I felt his gaze on me, but I kept mine on my swinging toes.

"Yes, but worse. More perky, more of a bitch," I mutter again.

Paul tensed, slamming the book he'd been holding shut, "Wait, what was the name again?" he asked.

I stopped swinging my legs and looked at Paul. "Verzerren Sie, why?"

"Distorter," he answered, "Its germen. I read about V in a book of my grandfathers once."

I nodded as his eyes grew wide, "This could be bad, Simon. Real bad."

-------

"You're right, Paul," said Dr. Slaski, after we'd told him the story. "This could be bad."

I looked at Paul as he looked back at me. We were talking to his grandfather over the speaker phone. He was away at some hospital.

"I didn't have much information about Verzerren Sie, but a woman by the name of Deborah Suet did. A whole journal on it. V is believed to be the reason she disappeared," Dr. Slaski's voice sounded frail over the phone.

I let out a small gasp as he said her name. Paul looked at me strangely. "Paul, she's my great, great aunt. I have a page on her at home, that my mother showed me."

"We have to get that journal," Paul said. I nodded and slipped out of the room. I faintly heard Paul saying goodbye.

I felt the darkness trying to cover me again. And this time I didn't want it. I had a mission and for once, I had an answer.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on staying awake. I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped. "Paul," I breathed.

"Simon, are you aright?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm fine, come on. Let's see what my mom knows," I muttered, walking ahead.

Paul drove us to my house. I walked up the steps still trying to fight the inner battle against darkness. I didn't knock, but swung the door wide open. My mother came rushing in from the kitchen, looking scared and drowsy.

"Honey, you scared me. I need you to start coming home on time," my mother scolded softly.

"I'm sorry, Mom. Last night, something happened. Listen I need you to tell me everything about Debra's journal," I said, trying to be patient.

"Debra? You mean, my great aunt?" my mother asked. I saw Paul's face screw up, funny, but I didn't understand why.

"Yes. Something she wrote in it, about the distorter."

"Umm," my mother sighed. "Well, I only have that line, I don't know where the book is," she chewed her lip, nervously.

"Suze, we could start with that line, and work from there," Paul added.

I nodded, "I have the paper in my room."

I quickly climbed the stairs to my bedroom and frantically searched for the sweater that had the paper in the pocket. My room had become a disaster since I'd neglected to clean it.

I threw a sweater on my bed, where Paul was sitting, and I heard him chuckle. "Nice, Simon."

I found the gray sweatshirt under my bed. I sat down with it, beside Paul. That's when I saw my x-ray. I guess Paul saw it too, since he quickly snatched it up, before I could grab it.

"Suze, what is this?" he asked me, looking dead at the center. The dark center.

"Nothing. It's just some x-ray," I muttered, looking at my hands.

"This can't be just some x-ray. Simon, this person has a shifter disease," he said, anxiously. I felt my breathing quicken.

"What do you mean?" I asked slowly.

"This person, their heart isn't healthy. Its sick, caused by something really strong. Simon, tell me, is this your x-ray?" Paul spoke quickly. His sharp blue eyes staring straight at me.

"I think so," I said, slowly. "I remember getting it, but not the results. I remember finding it under my shirt when I got home, but not putting it there." I looked up at Paul. "I keep blacking out, and it…"

"Scares you," Paul finished for me. I just nodded. He pulled me into a tight hug and I felt the tingly feeling that I get right before I cry.

"Tell me what happened," he said pulling away. I looked at his soft face, and felt the sorrow in me. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell someone. I needed this…

"I don't know. The last thing I remember is you dropping me off to get my car and then going to the beach. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital, and I kept getting weird looks from doctors. They made me do a bunch of tests, and then I guess they let me go home, but it's just another thing I don't remember."

I stood up, letting the sweater fall to the ground. "Jesse doesn't speak to me anymore, and I saw him with this blonde. Twice. One time she was at his apartment, and the next time was on the beach. But the beach one didn't make sense, and apparently the blonde is really someone else, or something else. And I don't know what's going on and I can't ever remember the moment before I wake up from the darkness," The tears had begun streaming down my face.

I dropped to my knees on the ground. Forgetting that Paul was watching me break right before him, I just sobbed. Forgetting the world, and yet all I wanted was to remember.

I wanted to know why Jesse and I were drifting. I wanted to know why Jesse was seeing someone else. I wanted to know who this someone else was. I wanted to remember.

"If I can't remember, Paul, I want to know what the hell Jesse's thinking. Something isn't right, I just wish I knew what," I sighed and wiped the tears from my face.

Picking myself up off the ground, I went into my bathroom. Staring at my face. My eyes were red, my cheeks blotchy and yet the girl in the mirror smiled.

She looked strong even when I felt weak.

The smile glistened and that's when I frowned. Because I wasn't smiling, the girl in the mirror was. "Paul?" I squeaked.

He came to me, staring at the grinning face. "I'm not smiling," I said.

Paul walked to my side, witnessing my face, and the face in the mirror. "Simon, I guess it's time I tell you about that disease," he said, still looking between me and the mirror face.

"When I found you in the graveyard, not only were you bleeding, but you didn't have a pulse. It didn't make sense. The shifter disease that I spoke of is when your heart suffers such a great pain that instead of breaking or hurting, it turns black. It disappears in your body and you split personalities, strong and weak. The reason you can't remember some things, is because your other person was in control. Until you mesh with the other person, you won't remember anything that happened when she was in control."

"She's stronger, isn't she?" I asked.

"Yes, but she's still you," Paul said, his voice wavered slightly.

"And when I'm in the darkness, she's in the light." Paul nodded again.

"I met her," Paul said solemnly. "She was there at the graveyard. She's upset with Jesse, I don't know if you know why, but she is."

"How do I mesh with her?" I asked, not tearing my gaze away from her eyes. Something about them struck me still. They held power, they captured, and they were just as green as my own. They were just my eyes.

"When your heart isn't black."

"How do I do that?" I asked.

"When the person who made it that way, fixes it," Paul answered.

I finally tore my gaze away from…my gaze and looked at Paul. I saw one _tear_ trail down his face. His eyes full of concern and I felt the care that he had for me.

"Jesse," I said, softly.

Paul nodded. "Is there a way I can hear what he's thinking," I asked.

Paul's face scrunched in thought. "There is actually, but let's find out about Deborah Suet, first."

I nodded. I went to walk out of the bathroom, but Paul's hand clasped onto my wrist. My gaze intensified, looking at Paul's tanned hand on my wrist, to slowly dragging my eyes up to his face, staring at his one eye's teardrop.

I reached my free hand up, and stole the tear away from his cheek. "Don't cry for me, Paul," I said, softly.

He forced a smile and dropped my wrist. I picked the paper up off my bed and showed it to Paul. He looked at it, before leading me down the stairs.

My mother greeted us at the door. "Don't ask me how I got it, it just showed up on my bed," she said, pushing a leather bound book in my hands.

We went to Paul's after that. He was reading the journal while I lay on his bed, concentrating on my breathing. Thinking that maybe I could fix myself. I didn't have any hope that Jesse would. And knowing that there was something wrong with me was somehow harder than thinking there was.

He slammed the journal shut and turned to look at me. "I think its time, Suze," he said. I propped myself up on my elbows while he began to dig through the plastic bin that held all the shifter books.

He pulled one out, and flipped it out on his desk. He dug out three candles from his drawer and placed them in a triangle, lighting them with a lighter from his pocket.

"Stand here," he commanded, gently.

I nodded, and walked to where he told me. I stood there, closed eyes wishing Jesse's face to me. Paul's voice filled my ears and I waited for something to happen.

Nothing did.

"Done," he said.

I opened my eyes to see him, sitting on his bed, looking exhausted and out of breath. "I don't feel any different," I said, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Trust me, you are. You'll be able to hear Jesse's thoughts," Paul said.

I chewed on my bottom lips. "Do you think this is an invasion of his privacy, I mean, I should trust Jesse. I do love him and all; just I wish sometimes I understood him better. Does that mean we shouldn't be together? Since I don't understand him, maybe we aren't compatible or something. Maybe this version of upgraded Kelly should be with him. She seems to understand him, but then why does he not look happy…" I rambled on.

"Shh, Suze. This is the right thing to do, especially if Jesse knows something about V that we don't," Paul tucked the book away and came back to my side. "Come on, I think its time we told Father D. the story."

----------

**_So, you finally know what's up with Suze. Its gets better, I promise. I already have the next chapter written. I'm just waiting for some reviews and to finish the editing. _**

_**Hearts;**_

_**Tori**_


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: In this chapter, Simon begins to hear thoughts, they're done in italics; just like these._

--- **You Lie** ---

Father Dominic was shaking his head.

His soft, white hair moved gracefully in his head motions. One of his hands tapped against his wooden desk. "I can't believe this," he muttered, "well I can, but this is terrible."

"We have to do something, Father D." Paul said, he was sitting in the chair next to _my_ usual one, which I was occupying.

"What is she doing that is causing such harm, that we fear her?" Father Dominic asked.

"Well, the journal, which Suze's great, great aunt wrote, said she steals spirits for power, she can control them. I think this could be really bad, so does my grandfather," Paul said, his voice was harsh.

I slouched lower in my chair, biting the nail on my pinky finger. My mind thought of the reasons she was here, and what her purpose was; why she was so bent on screwing my life over. I blinked and realized that both Father D and Paul had stopped talking and were staring at me.

I pulled myself up straight and leaned forward, "Have you seen any ghosts lately?" I asked Father Dominic. He was silent, but shook his head gently. "Paul?" I asked.

"No," he said, softly.

"She's building an army. Paul, you said so yourself that she has the power to control spirits, she can make them do whatever she wants. That's why we haven't been visited lately." I looked between Paul and Father D. "That's why we have to stop V, because if we don't, no one will. The question isn't why, but how," I closed by eyes and leaned back.

I was beginning to feel tired again. I worried that it wasn't a good time for my other half, if that's what happened every time I was in the darkness. I closed my eyes and tried to relax when I heard a distance whisper.

"Together," the voice said.

I opened my eyes and sat upright. Father Dominic and Paul ceased talking and looked at me quizzically. "Together," I muttered to myself.

"We have to fight together. That's how we beat her. Father D. that's want Tom meant that day. Can you call all the mediators in close perimeter to the mission like ASAP? I think I know what to do," my voice filled the hushed office.

I made my way to the door, quickly, "Susannah, what…" Father Dominic began.

"Trust me, Father D." I said, smiling just a bit. I finally opened the door, "Come on, Paul!" I said over my shoulder.

"Suze, what's going on?" Paul asked, following quick on my heels.

"I don't have time to explain. We have to find out everything there is to know on V, and then we have to group together and come up with a plan. You just have to trust me." I said, heading towards Paul's car.

_The only reason I trust her, is that she has a cute ass._

I whipped my head around to face Paul. He looked at me oddly. "Pardon?" I said.

"I didn't say anything," he said, furrowing his eyebrow.

"I could have sworn…hey wait a minute, I can read minds. Cool," I grinned to myself. Paul thinks I have a nice butt. Chuckles.

"You can only read Jesse's," Paul said, in a duh like matter.

"Then how come I know you think I have a cute ass?" I asked, stealing the smirk off his face. He swallowed, hard, before jingling his keys and getting in the car.

"Where to?" Paul questioned, once we'd pulled out on the main drag.

"Well, you're dropping me off at the beach. I still have to get my car. And then your going to your place to get whatever you have on Verzerren Sie," I mocked her name.

I saw the ocean in the distance, and slowly the beach came in focus. Paul stopped at the parking lot and let me out, "See you back at the mission, Susie-Q."

I turned without another word and found my car a few spaces down, just the way I'd left it. I was walking over to it, when I saw Jesse. He was just walking down the street, looking like he was in search for himself, as much as I was.

My mind told me that I couldn't handle another fight. That I should run and never look back, but I wasn't ready to just give up when I was so close. To what, I'm unsure, but somehow I just knew I was near.

I needed him like the sun needs the sky and like a sentence needs spaces. Without him, I wasn't alive, I was a dying carcass. "Jesse," I shouted, running towards him.

I had my decision and it was final. There was no going back now, no second thoughts. I had to follow it through.

I grabbed his hand and swung him around to face me. I saw these eyes that burned of traitorous evil. He was him, but covered by a blanket of secrecy. Blazing evilly in his socket, they wanted to conquer, defeat, and destroy Jesse. I was losing him between the gaps of my childish hands.

I never knew just how much I was losing, never knew that everything was falling through, until I looked him square in the eyes. Jesse's body twitched, as if he was waiting on a queue to turn and run, when all I wanted was the truth.

"I miss you, Jesse," I said, squeezing his hand, hoping he'd feel me again. I was losing him and it was effortless.

"I've been busy," he mumbled. It hurt me to see that he couldn't even look me in the eyes, but had to look past me to the ocean, that I stood in front.

I felt pathetic, standing there begging Jesse for the truth. "I gotta go," he said, wrenching his hand from my grasp. He turned to leave, letting me stare at him in awestruck.

I felt my anger rising from deep within my heart. "Jesse! Don't you walk away from me. Not now, not ever. Get back here!" I screamed at his backside, not caring who looked at us.

I was waiting for him to continue to walk away, but he didn't. Strangely enough, he came back to me. He looked stricken with pain and his face scrunched in agony.

As if, my one little command hurt him. "Look at me," I said, quietly, afraid to hurt him more. As angry as I'll ever be, I could never hurt Jesse.

I would hurt myself more in doing so. He lifted his gaze from the pavement and finally looked me in the eyes. The thing that bothered me most when he finally looked at me was not that the secrecy was gone, not that at that moment a tear slowly slid down his perfect face, but as I looked into his eyes, I saw his soul.

I saw that Jesse was fighting a battle with himself and he was losing. "Let me help you, Jesse," I eventually whispered.

His eyes flashed with fear, "No," he said.

It shocked me, "Jesse, please, stop pushing me away," I pleaded. It hurt me immensely when all I wanted was for everything to be perfect again.

It seemed that every time something got better, something else got worse.

"I have to, you don't understand," he said, sounding exasperated and looking like he was ready to give up.

"No Jesse, I don't. You don't let me in anymore. Every time I come close, you push me away. You don't call, you don't talk, you ignore me," I paused, not only watching his reaction but also fighting back the tears in me. "So no, Jesse, I don't understand why I can't help you, I don't understand why it is you ignore me, but you don't understand what its like for me, either. To look into the eyes of the person I love and not have the feeling returned. To wake up screaming because no matter how hard I try, how hard I fight, I'm always losing the battle. Always losing the only person I love so much that without them I may as well quit breathing. I need something, something to hold onto. Because I'm losing you and myself and none of that matters if I can't trust you, if I can't love you…if you can't love me," I finished, tears drowning my face.

My whole body was ready to give as I waited, waited for Jesse to understand. My knees wobbled and in mere seconds, I knew I'd make contact with the rocky pavement. Or so I thought. In one quick motion, Jesse caught me in his arms, holding me close against his chest.

The music of the angel's rang throughout my head as I heard the steady thump-thump-thump of Jesse's heart.

I'd wait forever for Jesse. I'd always wait for him. No matter how hard things might ever get. I was him as he was I.

_I never want to lose her._

Jesse's thought rang clear in my head. "I never want to lose you, either," I said, blinking some tears out of my eyes.

_I love her so much, and everything I'm doing to keep her out of harms way; is hurting her just as much._

"Susannah," he whispered, aloud, into my hair. It sounded beautiful coming from his lips.

_I would be nothing without her._

Jesse pulled away, and I felt part of my soul go with him.

_That's why I need to leave. Forget me. Don't look into her eyes._

As if Jesse were still a ghost, he dematerialized, leaving me dumbstruck in the middle of a sidewalk on a hot and sunny Californian day.

My fists clenched the air that had previously been Jesse. My brain swelled and ached from confusion, from his thoughts. And to think that I thought they would help me. His thoughts, I mean.

For the millionth time in this miserable life it'd become, I felt like fleeing in flight. I guess the only hope I had was that Jesse _loves_ me.

-------

I crashed on the blades of the plush grass at the top of a hill, I'd just found. Feeling out of breath, I lay on my back and watched the clouds cross the sky.

Warming myself in their beauty. The way the crisp edges were pink and orange, and how it contrasted against the thick blue sky.

I was washed away by nature's beauty.

The wind nipped gently at my cheeks and the grass blades tickled my skin after every slight movement. The sun beat down, warming my body of whatever chills it might have.

Jesse's gorgeous face came to my head. I began to think of all the times we'd laughed, smiled, hugged, and _kissed_.

The first time he told me, he loved me, or our first kiss. In the hospital, when his fingers gently touched my cheeks, or when he woke up, _alive_. The moment I told him I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, forever.

My life was with Jesse. Always with him. The bliss bathed over me, filling me to the brim, that I thought I might spill over. I smiled to the sky and I smiled to him.

I smiled because it was something I hadn't done in a while.

I stretched my arms out over my head, closing my eyes. My lids looked red from the bright light casted by the sun and even that made me smile just a little bit more.

My world came crashing down when I realized that I could run forever, but the fear and pain would always catch up to me. My smile was because of memories; past memories; deceased memories.

I heard the tinkle of materialization. It caught me off guard; I hadn't seen a ghost in weeks. Peeking through one eyelid, I saw it was Tom.

I sat up sharply, "Tom," I breathed.

"Yes," he said, sitting down next to me. His head glowed angelically in the sun's light.

"You're not a ghost are you?" I asked, softly, afraid to break my own peace.

"No, I'm a guardian angel. Yours to be exact," he smiled gently.

"And you left the journal on the bed," I said.

"Yes, you were finally on your way to the end," he spoke.

"Will I die?" I asked, foolishly. He wouldn't know. He shrugged his shoulders and looked out upon the ocean.

"Why do you do it?" he asked after a moment of silence. "Why do you let him do that to you and yet always run back loving him?"

I looked away from the ocean for a moment, and then back at Tom. "Because, even the small moments with him are worth all the pain in the world. He's a part of me, always," I whispered, listening to the waves and feeling different inside.

Like I was growing strong, even while I was missing the other half.

"You're ready, come now, stand," Tom said, standing up.

I stood up with him and took the hand he'd extended. I didn't need to ask what he was talking about. I watched as he closed his eyes and followed pursuit.

I felt something cover me, like a different air. Heaven air, to put it vaguely. When I opened my eyes, I was in a place just like Shadowland.

Except this one was different. This one was full of life and purity. The doors were as white as snow, as were the floors.

The sky above was full of clouds, puffy and full. It beamed of light, it was Radiantland. I sucked in a breath and swallowed. "What do I do?" I asked him.

"Follow your heart, you'll know," he said.

"But I'm … sick," I said, shyly and slightly embarrassed.

"Yes, but in good time, you'll just know. Your place isn't here, not for a while. Nevertheless, your neither mediator nor shifter. You are something more. This is your ascension. When you return back to Earth and your people, you will feel power you've never felt before, and when the time is right you'll be able to use it," Tom said.

"Think wisely, young one," were his last words before my eyes shut and I woke up in the basilica.

I sucked in a sharp breathe that echoed throughout the room. Four pairs of eyes looked at me, sitting in the back row.

"Susannah," gasped Father Dominic.

Hey, I wasn't there a minute ago.

I stood up, slowly, wondering if I'd get a killer headache like my other trips to Shadowland. I didn't feel any immediate pain; maybe Radiantland was different, better. Walking as smoothly as I could, I ventured towards Father Dominic standing at the end.

"Tonight," I said, turning around to face everyone. I saw my mother's warm eyes, Paul's piercing blues, and Jesse's blanketed eyes. I had to look away from his.

"We need to be ready. Whatever it takes. Tonight we finish this. Tonight we end the end," my voice was growing.

I began to feel the power that Tom spoke of. The strength that I needed, the power I felt.

"Suze, I uh, I found an incantation that is supposed to finish V. It was in the journal, but I don't understand how come it didn't work for her," Paul spoke.

"She was alone. Together we're stronger," I blinked, trying to slow my quickened heart rate as the power flooded into my brain.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Jesse.

I couldn't begin to believe the horrific sight even as it unfolded right before my eyes. Jesse silently stood up and walked out.

He walked out on me, he walked out on Father Dominic, on my mother and on Paul. He walked out on the solution to the end.

In my blind fury, I chased after him; my subconscious blew a chair into the wall. I saw it crumble to smithereens and heard the three gasps behind me. He kept walking, right on out of the basilica and to the parking lot.

"Jesse," I screamed after him.

He stopped but didn't turn around. "Don't make me do this again. Don't make me ask you want you've become," I pleaded.

"Nothing," he grumbled, not turning.

"If you insist. At the rate you're going, you are nothing," I paused, watching him tense. Was this the reaction I wanted? "To everyone," I finished.

He turned, abruptly, staring directly behind me, not looking at my eyes. Is that what Jesse meant when he thought; '_Don't look into her eyes.'_ "DON'T SAY THAT!" he shouted.

"Tell me what it is then. What do I need to say to get you to tell me?" he didn't answer. "You've changed, you're no longer the man I love," I said, solemnly.

_No, Susannah, don't give up on me. Please don't._

"Good," he started, his voice steady against his thoughts, "Because I never loved you," he finished, bitterly.

_Nothing happened. All an illusion, all done by her, I hate her. I love my Querida, but I had no choice. _

I blinked hard. I didn't move, although more then anything, I wouldn't have minded breaking down and crying. Now wasn't the time.

_She has control, control over my spirit._

"Look me in the eyes and say that again," I said, my voice delicately holding a dam of tears. He didn't look at me, kept his gaze on something behind me. "LOOK AT ME!" I screamed my voice ragged with pain, love, and fear—an odd mix brought on by odd emotions.

_She'd hurt you if she knew, knew I was talking to you. She hates you and your strength._

Fear was dominant. Fear that he would stop loving me, that he had stopped loving me. He finally drew those terribly eyes and gazed at mine.

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

"I hate you," he said, enunciating every syllable and I felt small. I could hear his mind; it rang throughout my ears, but his words. Doesn't matter the truth, words still hurt. And words still break.

I shrank into the ground on my knees as Jesse turned and stormed off. "You lie, Jesse," I shouted after him, feeling my face wet with the first tears. "Hector Jesse DeSilva," I began.

_That voice, calling me. _

In one swift quick motion, I pulled myself up off the ground, feeling out of control, and ran after Jesse. He turned to look at me, startled, as I jumped directly into his arms, kissing him with such fervor.

My fingers combed through his thick, dark hair as I pulled his head tighter to mine. He held my hips while my legs wrapped around his waist as kissed me back with just as much intensity.

I pulled away for a breath. "You lie," I whispered.

"I lie," he whispered back, as I stroked one finger over his scar.

"I'll always love you," I whispered, brushing my lips against his. I had yearned for these lips and I never wanted to let them go.

As if right on cue, it began to rain. Bringing on a rush of unlashed fantasies of kissing the person I love in the pouring rain and feeling the love wash over us.

My salty tears slid fast down my cheeks, being washed away with the Carmel rain. I wanted to kiss his lips again, although they looked so delicate.

I wouldn't break them

I tipped my head down to kiss him. He pulled back slightly, "I love you, Querida."

Right then I look into his eyes, and saw my own face. Just me. My own heart beat filled my head; the thumping soothed me, as I reached down and stole my kiss from Jesse.

I needed this kiss. I was finally completed. I was finally a nerd with braces, and shoe with laces and a sentence with spaces.

I needed this kiss just like I needed Jesse. It wasn't my heartbeat that was missing, but the love of my life, my Jesse. I finally had the world in my arms and although this wasn't the end, I was ready to fight.

I pulled back and watched the rain patter on Jesse's forehead. I smoothed a hand over it, catching the drops that landed on his eyelashes.

"Let's go save the world," I smiled to him. Feeling as beautiful as I might ever be. The power I'd received in Radiantland was nothing compared to the power of love.

_It was time to fight the end!_

-----

**_Finally, they're back together again. I was weeping it was taking me so long. Review Please!_**

_**Hearts;**_

_**Tori**_


	12. Chapter 12

**-- Are You Scared --**

I crossed the bloodied war field of the basilica. The ghosts of many scattered throughout the room, looking vicious, with us as their targets.

They weren't themselves though. They were V. She was the evil that I needed to stop. She was the brain, the boss, the bitch.

There was a buzz in the air, like static electricity. It was just waiting for its discharge, its final, grand shock.

I could feel my blood pumping coarsely through my body. I'd been fighting for a while and didn't know how much I could endure before I eventually collapsed of exhaustion.

Nonetheless, I just kept moving forward. The basilica had never felt so large before now. And all I wanted was to make it to the end.

I elbowed an oncoming ghost and watched the blood fly from his nose, before he collapsed heavily to the ground.

I could handle the big, muscle men, or trashy women, it was the little children I couldn't deal with.

I couldn't hit the ghost of an eight year old girl, wearing a pink dress with a bow in her hair, even if she came charging at me. I did my best to dodge those ones, or at least just toss them on the floor.

My fist landed on the cheek bone of a teenage girl, around my age. I had to continue to tell myself, that it was either them or me, and they were dead.

I saw, in the corner of my eye, Father Dominic and my mother trying to defend themselves by the confessionals. They were peaceful people, and sad fighters. My mother's shriek startled me and my gaze shot towards the ghost of a man who'd grabbed her.

I wanted to run and help her. I wanted to use my new powers, although I knew I couldn't. They would work, but I'd be even more tired, and I had to save my strength for V. Besides, a moment later a fist planted itself in my stomach.

I pitched forward, trying to hold down my last meal. Slowly lifting my gaze, I saw an angry looking soccer mom. I nailed her just as hard in the stomach, trying not to think of my mother, "How do you like it?" I shouted in her ear.

My fist slammed down on her back, and she collapsed to the floor.

I saw my mother had freed herself and was once again beside Father Dominic. But that wasn't the pressing matter anymore, currently, I was being surrounded by ghosts that were closing in and I wasn't sure what to do.

They moved in sync, bumping against one another. Their feet heavily stomping on the cold floor. I sucked in a deep breath of air and hoped I'd succeed.

I took a large step and a leaping jump before I slammed a foot into one of the scrawnier ghosts. He collapsed beneath my foot and I climbed over him, trying to quickly escape the grasping hands of the pack.

They were sluggish. The ghosts, I mean. Because V had to control all of them, she was slow with them. Their only weakness and our only advantage.

Other than that, they were brutal and didn't hesitate to slam something against the side of our heads.

They didn't tire, and even though we'd been at this for a good part of the hour they weren't out of breathe—they don't even have one—unlike me.

My destination was clear. I had to reach V. I had to stop her. If I ever wanted to live the rest of my life, to fix the broken, and write more than the end, I had to reach her.

She stood at the back, farthest from the door. Standing in front of all the pews, of all the ghosts.

I bitterly began running towards her. Trying not to be distracted by the fact that the sweat traveling down my brow itched, my feet were sore, and my entire body was littered in bruises, from punches I couldn't block.

A group of tough looking cookies stepped in my way. They were cookies without chips, they were cookies without sweetness, and I wasn't sure what I'd do. But, I was so close.

I didn't know if I could move around them, or even hit one of them. They were big, tall, and looking quite nimble, while I was small and unarmed.

I've always prided myself on being able to kick the crap out of anyone, but this was one of those times where I just knew I couldn't do it alone.

Could I?

I looked at one of the benches to my right, weighing out how desperate I really was. Realizing that it was imperative, I concentrated, flicked my head, and watched the bench fly towards the three.

They crumbled to the ground, with a grunt, forming a lump of ghosts. I leaped up and over them, ignoring the urge to cheer, as something came swinging, meeting my right temple.

I dropped to the ground, landing hard. I tried to blink the blurriness from my vision, but it wasn't leaving. The last I saw was Jesse trying to combat past the aggressive ghosts.

---

"Ha-ha, how cute."

I pulled my head away from Jesse's, the rain falling all over us, to see her standing there. The blonde hair lying thickly on her shoulders, untainted by the water. She was completely dry.

She put her hands together, and slowly began clapping, the sound rippled through the cloudy day in an unreal rhythm. "If this isn't adorable. Ex-ghost and 'Super Mediator' together again. Breaks my heart that I'm going to kill you both…," she said, sighing. "Hah, what am I talking about? That's going to be the best part of taking over the world."

Jesse let go of my hips and placed me on the ground. I shivered from the rain and from the hideous evil, I was glimpsing at. "You won't win, ever, you're not smart enough."

"You're so ignorant, Susannah, of course I'll win. I've already defeated your family once; I can defeat you just the same." She looked at her hand, interest missing from her features. It took everything in me to not run up to her and slap her across the face.

"Well, this is boring," she said, placing a hand on her hip. "See you tonight, Losers."

And she shimmered away.

I felt Jesse's hands on my hips. "I'm fine," I lied. I didn't need to tell him that I was scared that I would lose, that she would defeat me.

"No, your not," he said, as his hands turned me, and tightened their grip, holding me close. "You lie."

"I lie," I said, softly. "But I can't do anything else."

Jesse nodded understanding what I meant. And we turned to the mission, walking in step, we went back inside.

Paul looked between the two of us, smiling. My mother's eyes lit up cheerfully, while Father Dominic looked like he'd been expecting it.

"Don't bother asking," I sighed, smiling. "Come on, we have a battle to prepare," I said, putting on a brave face.

"The church is going to get destroyed again, isn't it Susannah," Father Dominic asked.

I chuckled, slipping back into the darkness.

---

I became alert to my surroundings.

An evil crackle cut through the loud grunts and roars of agony. I opened my eyes, staring up at the stars. She was unleashing a hell and I was quickly losing time.

I propped myself up on my two elbows, glancing at my surroundings. There were just so many ghosts scampering around, attacking the ones I loved.

I forced myself up, swallowing the fiery pain erupting in my head. Standing, I realized there was no way getting through the hordes of spirits. I was stuck.

I shut my eyes, hoping with desperation that something would magically pop into my mind. Nothing did. What did happen was a board slamming against my back, knocking me down on my knees.

Lying back on the ground, I found my route. I pulled my elbows up in front of me and dragged my body forward. Slithering along, I moved between the feet of the ghosts.

The floor's scent filled my nose with an indescribable smell. A drop of sweat trickled down my brow, but I ignored it and continue to pull myself along.

I hit the stairs at the front of the church, and knew I'd reached my destination. I scuttled to my feet, poised to fight.

"Hey you, how's about we have a talk?" I screamed up to her floating body, hovering above the rest of us with some sort of higher class.

Slowly her head rotated towards me, her eyes made of pure hatred, and I knew I wasn't dealing with the same monster I'd met in the graveyard.

She was pissed, angry with me for what I was about to do. "Be quiet," she spit at me like venom. Two ghosts came charging towards me, obviously sent by her.

I wasn't scared, although I knew I should be. It was unrealistic, like a game. All I had to do was press the A button and I'd jump, the B button to kick, and push the toggle as far down as I could and I'd duck.

I wasn't living this experience; I was watching it through a fogged window. Things a blur, even as I slammed my fist into the nose of a 200 pound beast, and kneed another in the groin. It was all so unreal.

I turned my attention back to the flaming monster on her floating cloud. I reached my hand in the air, hoping that my newly acquired powers would draw V down. My mind began to ache as I concentrated on the invisible barrier holding her up.

I heard a shriek, and peaking through an eyelid I saw that I'd brought her down to her knees, while the other ghosts collapsed around the church.

"Stop it," she muttered, angrily.

I tried to speak a no, but all that came out was a discontent grunt. Her eyes turned towards me and I finally felt the first feelings of being scared.

They were so red. Pure hatred, blazing towards me, and I began to fear that if they didn't stop boring into me, that I'd burn.

Ignite in flames, a spontaneous flare, a flicker of light until I was ablaze. A nauseous feeling rose in my stomach and I quietly, but hurriedly tried to swallow it.

It froze in my throat, a lump forming and growing larger by the second. "I'll kill you," she said, her thick syrupy voice corrupted by the evil in her eyes.

I sputtered as her hand flicked in my direction. A thick coughing erupted and I felt my air closing off. A wheezing and all too much blood to my head as if I was being choked. My hands went straight to the feeling, clawing at my neck.

I realized, abruptly, that the pain wasn't there because someone was strangling me with his or her hand, but rather a power, unleashed to destroy my being.

With a rapid flick of my hand in V's direction, I had her choking and struggling just the same as I was. Her hold on me was kept, but I watched her wrestle with herself and felt the small lump in my throat muffle.

She squeezed harder, and so did I. The tighter she went the tighter I got. We fought until both of us couldn't hold it any longer, dropped our hands and collapsed on the dusty floor gasping for the sweet taste of air.

I rolled over and jumped to my feet. "_NOW!" _I screamed, but much to my dismay, my voice was gone, a lumpy scratch, a muffled cough, a sighed hiccup. It was gone, and V was back on her feet.

I was out of plays, I was stuck in the unknowing, with nowhere to go. I was angry with myself for my ignorance, and I was angry with her for her violence.

I ran forward, in an attempt to kick her, but she knew it was coming. I was thrown to the ground.

The darkness was coming back quickly, enveloping me furiously. My body shut down, my eyelids closing.

_Fight._

The voice slipped into my head, softly willing me, and I saw this afternoons events.

---

"Suze, how is it that you always leave your car at the beach. I mean, how many times do you have to go back and get it?" Paul said, walking beside me through the mission, on our way to the parking lot.

"I didn't mean to forget it, just such events rose and I got busy," I pushed the door open and stepped into the crisp warm light of the Saturday afternoon.

Yeah, that's right, warm light. It stopped raining about an hour or so after it started. Talk about peculiar weather.

"I thought you just said that you forgot your car?" Paul questioned.

"I did."

"Isn't that it over there?"

Sure enough, about eight spaces out; my car was parked glistening in the light. "Thanks Tom," I muttered.

"Huh? Who's Tom?" Paul asked.

"Oh, um, no one, never mind," I answered turning back around.

"So we don't have to go to the beach?" Paul asked, annoyed.

"No."

"And what were the events that arose that caused you to forget to get your car?" Paul continued.

"Jesse."

"And how did you end up in the back of the basilica when you clearly weren't there before?"

"Materialization."

"But how'd you…"

"Paul, stop asking so many questions," I said a little frustrated.

"It's your own fault. You should tell me the story from the beginning and I'd stop," Paul spoke childishly.

"Okay. You dropped me off at the beach. I saw Jesse; we had a slight argument, and something about his thoughts confused me. Then he disappeared, I stopped in the grass. This ghost, well, not ghost, but guardian angel, my guardian angel appeared. He told me I was ready for my ascension. The place was so much like Shadowland, except so opposite. Anyway, then I reappeared in the basilica. It would make sense that my car would still be at the beach, but its not. I'm assuming Tom did that. Tom's my guardian angel, if you didn't catch that," I took a huge breath, then turned and continued walking.

"Wait a minute. You got an ascension, that means you have more powers," Paul said, walking alongside my step.

"I guess so."

"Do you know what you have, or how to use them?"

"Paul, I thought you said you'd be done with the questions."

"Just answer it, Suze."

"No, but Tom said that I would know when the time was right."

"Suze. Come with me, right now," Paul said, firmly, grabbing my hand and taking the lead.

"Its not like you're giving me a choice," I shrieked, slightly.

Paul dragged me into a classroom and began pushing the desks against the wall. "Give me a hand, will you?" He asked, continuing.

"What are you doing?" I said, flicking the light switch on. The florescent lights flickered before brightening up the entire room.

"We're going to find out the extent of your powers," he answered, sliding a chair across the room with his foot.

"Why would we do that?" I asked, as I pushed a desk aside, moving onto the next one.

"Shh, Suze. Just do what I say, okay? Enough with the questions," Paul snickered.

"Fine," I muttered.

---

_Fight_.

The voice softly came back. Whispering to me.

_Fight_.

I sat upright, even though the blackness was still all I could see.

"Now," I shouted, finally finding my voice, my arm outstretched, focusing on holding her still.

---

"No Susie, you can't fight like that. No wonder the ghosts always get a few good hits in," Paul sighed frustrated.

"Don't call me Susie, Pauli." I said, breathily. "And you know I'm a good fighter," I swung a fist towards his head, and when he slid away to duck and I rammed an elbow down harshly on his shoulder.

He grunted, and dropped to his knees. "Don't actually hit me, dummy," he said, harshly.

I couldn't help but giggle as I threw him a towel to wipe his sweat, and grabbed the Styrofoam cup of water. The liquid felt amazing sliding gently down my throat.

I coughed as I pulled away; leaning on one of the desks, we'd pushed against the wall, while we fight in an empty class room.

Father Dominic came in, my mother and Jesse following behind. "There you two are. Okay, I've found the verse that describes what we have to do to beat her," said Father Dominic.

"What do we gotta do?" I asked, nonchalantly. The last time I saw V, I was terrified of what was coming, now, not so much. I knew what I had to do; it was just a matter of doing it. And if I fail, well there's always Radiantland.

"Um," sighed Father Dominic, "You have to get to her, and hold her still. If she's moving and has control of her powers, she can find and stop us. Then we recite the line that Paul found earlier and…" he trailed off, looking down at the opened book in his hand.

"And?" I queried.

"And you have to plunge something into her heart," he said, softly.

"Uh, EW. Okay, what am I stabbing her with?" I asked, shuffling to sit down on one of the desk.

"Susannah, please, do not be so blunt," he looked at me a little disgustedly. "Stake, most likely, just something that'll turn her heart black."

"Yeah, cause meat is really going to do that," I said, smirking a little.

"Susannah, not funny," Father Dominic said, crossly.

"I thought it was," I said softly.

"Your scared, aren't you honey. You always do that when you're scared," my mother piped in.

"Do what?" I asked, folding my legs into an Indian position.

"Use sarcasm, and make jokes like that. Honey, are you scared?" she asked, softly and very mother like.

"No mom, I'm not scared," I paused, "Okay, maybe just a little but come on, it's not the usual thing a teenage girl does. I'm just nervous."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes, mom." I waited for a moment, silence between us all. "Okay, good. I'll say when and then it's left to you guys to chant before I jab her with a pointy stick," I said, hiding the slight worry in me.

I couldn't help but grin a little when I saw Father Dominic's grimace look.

"I don't know if I like this," Jesse said, looking between us all, "You'll have to get to her, make contact, and then holler for us. What if you get hurt, she's strong we all know she is, you're most likely going to get hurt."

"Jesse," I sighed, coming to his side, "I'll be fine. I can do this; you just need to trust me."

"But—" Jesse started.

"No Jesse, please. I know I can do this." I smiled, as he gave in, and nodded. "Okay then, let's see this stake."

---

The room became quiet as only the four of us began chanting. The words made no sense to me; I didn't bother for a translator.

"Wir verbannen thee mit der Energie von love."

I thought with all my might to hold her down and stop whatever movement she tried.

"Wir verbannen thee mit der Energie von family."

She wiggled and squirmed. I had to concentrate harder.

"Wir verbannen thee mit der Energie des strong eins."

I raised my arm to plunge the wooden stake right into her heart. Just like, I was told to do, just as it was planned.

Until, the stake fell out of my hand, and the instant choking feeling rose up my throat.

My whole body was stiff and fell limp to the ground. I tried to keeps my eyelids open but they wanted to close. A red haze enveloped my vision and I was thrown back into the darkness.

---------

_Wow. Finally, I updated. Sorry for taking forever. I'm horrible. Anyway, hope you liked the update, I'm thinking I have two more chapters to go. If you had trouble understanding what was going on, I'll clarify. When it changes scenes all of a sudden, it's like a flashback to that afternoon._

_P.S. the part about the tough looking cookies, I was inspired by the cookies I was eating._

_Tori. xo_


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